So I have to confess something... I haven't always been such a good person. I have to say that there was one time I was unfaithful to someone. I regret it to this day. I learned a lot about myself then. I learned I'm not a cheater. I learned I'm worth more than that. But let me tell you first how and why it happened. It happened more than ten years ago. I was in a relationship that I did not care for because I was trying to get over someone. I'm not a victim here but looking at it from another angle I was not 100% at fault either. After telling you all this, you can make your own decision of what you think. Ok so here is the tea...I had just had the most devastating break up of my life. I LOVED this man with everything I had. We will call him Kennith. He broke up with me and I guess I understand why. I mean what is the only reason someone breaks up with you? Because they don't love you, right? I know that now. Anyways...in Spanish we have this saying. "Un clavo saca otro clavo" Which means literally one nail takes out another nail. It makes no sense but it means you should get into another relationship to help you forget the past relationship. THE WORST IDEA EVER! Nope, that didn't work at all. For me, I did find someone new very quickly. We will call him Charlie. Charlie was a nice enough guy. He was handsome in his own way. He made a place for me in his life. I really tried to put my heart in it but how could I give my heart out to Charlie when at that point my heart belonged to Kennith? I could not. I needed to give myself time to heal my heart so I could give it a real shot. When my new boyfriend Charlie and I would spend time together I would find myself thinking about Kennith. I was not present with him when we were together. My mind would wonder to think what it would be like to be doing x,y,z activity with Kennith instead. I could not even bring myself to tell Charlie I loved him even though we spent more than a year together. So this is where I think it was not all my fault. Kennith knew I loved him more than I loved myself at the time. And that's where the problem was. I compromised my integrity, who I am fundamentally to be close to Kennith. Looking back at it now I have asked God to show me where I went wrong and this was the begging. I feel that I was manipulated because he knew I loved him and he knew I would do anything for him. So I cheated. It only happened once but that doesn't matter, right? It happened. And now I know by doing that there were way more repercussions than that just that act. For one that solidified that Kennith would NEVER see me as a potential mate because now he knew I was capable of being cheater, even if it was with him. Also, that I would take this incident and hold it against myself for a long, long time. Like a recording that would play in my mind to remind me that I was not worthy of love because I had done this to someone. I would think things like I don't deserve to be loved because I cheated and that's probably why God doesn't send my someone. Just stuff like that. I gotta say I learned a lot from all of this. So now when the opportunity arises for me to love someone I always think to myself how am I being treated? How much do I love myself in this situation? What am I willing to put up with? What do I deserve? because bottom line had I loved myself in this, I would never have cheated. After Kennith broke up with me I should have said ok you don't love me anymore and so I'm sad but I accept it and I will heal and go on with my life. That is what I SHOULD have done instead of what I did. Because not only did I hurt myself. I hurt someone else in the process. I regret it with all my heart because yeah Charlie wasn't perfect but he didn't deserve that either. I pray for him often. I pray that Charlie found someone to build the family and life he wanted. He deserved to be love by someone that loved him passionately if I wasn't able to. So now having told you all this, do you still feel like a cheater is always a cheater? For me, having lived it, no I will never cheat again. But what do you think?
-G
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