Sunday, June 17, 2018

Father's Day...

So today is father's day and I don't do much for this day because I didn't really have a quality dad I can be all proud of and frankly, it sucks. I wish that I would have had a dad that I could say wow he was amazing...he taught me this and that, blah blah blah. But no instead I have a man that a one point said I wasn't even part of the family. And now that same man comes to my house asking to use my computer...So I have been holding in some feelings and I don't know when I'm going to allow myself to deal with these feelings towards him. I struggle with thinking, yes I should tell him off and then I think why should I? It's been 38 years and he never thought it was important to have a heart to heart with me, why should I care enough to do that? But then I think it's not for him it's for ME. Will I ever get to have the strength to actually cuss his fucking ass out like I been wanting to for years? IDK! I been wanting to kick his ass out of my house for years. I ask God to help me with my unresolved shit, obsessively I feel some type of way when it comes to him. In any case who I can say I'm glad God put in my life is my big brother, Jose. He was there like a dad. He slow danced with me at my 15. He was there to teach me to have the love for salsa music and classic rock. He taught me how to love the great outdoors and the beach. I have fond memories of my mom, him and his friends going to Galveston and having an amazing time. This was when I was like 8 or 9, can you believe I still remember that? He also struggled with addiction to alcohol so he also taught me how it is to be human and have things to work on. He is so many years sober now and he runs a support group. So proud of him. And even though I can't say he was a perfect brother he is a great person over all and I'm go glad that even though God didn't give me a perfect dad he was there for me as a father figure. Another reason to trust in God's plan. This song always reminds me of him...Hotel California by the Eagles...sending you love and light, Bro. Love you so much!!


Wednesday, May 23, 2018

How bad do you want it?

So I'm pretty sure that I mentioned that I think of Joel Osteen as my pastor. A lot of the time when I listen to him something just clicks in my mind and I just get it. Well this time was no exception. I was listening to some of the latest sermons and I found one that really hit it home for me. So it was about going for what you want. He told about how his grandmother and grandfather were together for many years. He said his grandmother chewed tobacco. He told how the grandfather asked her and begged her and even offered her money to stop and she did not. He went to be with the lord before her. Later she wanted to get remarried and thought that is she still did tabaco no one would marry her. So she stopped, just like that. Why? Because there was something she wanted and knew that if she didn't then it would not happen. So I asked myself... I want to get married some day. I might not want any kids but I would like to have the option of getting married. In any case I asked myself...what area of my life can I look at that there is room for improvement? my health is what I came up with. I do not work out even though it is something that could help me immensely. It will help me with stress, not to mention the diabetes. I would be running outside so it will also help me with getting to hear God and be closer to Him. I would be able to pray to him in the open. Maybe I could hear him better. I think that is the only thing I can work on. I try ever day to be a good person and that is all I'm missing. If I do what I can maybe God can do what He can to make things happen for me. Plus, I was thinking I have such great friends that why wouldn't I want share more time with them? Being healthy isn't just about you, it's also about spending more time with the people you love, right? So this week I have been to the park two times. I walked two miles both days. Anyway it's only going to be getting better from here... I also bought new wireless head phones to help me get fit with music. Anything to help me want to go to the

Saturday, May 5, 2018

Family, Friends and New Years Resolutions...

Ok so this new year I planned to make more of an effort to be with my family more. I have family in another city in this state and then I also  have another half sister that lives in another state. So I had in my mind that I wanted to put more of an effort to do more things with them as my love language is quality time. So when do I call that quits? I mean when is it that I stop trying and let them reciprocate? I feel like I'm trying and I'm not getting anything back. So I would not like to cut my losses but then I feel like I should because a relationship can not be all one sided, right? Plus, I have to say I must thank the good Lord that I have an amazing group of friends. I can count on them to be there for me like they were family. Maria has been there for almost 30 years. I have Chryl that I have known for going 20 years. I have Judy that I have known for a while but just recently got to be so close to. Elizabeth is one of the most sweetest people I have meet and I hope we grow as good friends. I have my Mom that is my best friend in the whole wide world.  I don't want to force anything with any one. Stuff like that used to bother me I used to think Why don't they want me in their life? Why does it seem like I'm intruding...? But now I'm ok with the way it is. I'm me and not to be conceded or anything but I'm a great friend. I always try to do good things for people if I can. I have taken vacation time to take care of people and I have taken people on vacation. I'm not stingy with what I have. I try to live my life by the golden rule. But I can't force anything with anyone. I can not make someone want to try. It is what it is. So for now that's the way things are...The only thing I can ask God is to guide them and keep them safe.

Thursday, February 1, 2018

My NYC trip...

So my little sister just turned 30 last weekend. We went to go celebrate her birthday over to NYC cause she lives there. It was so much fun. I think I remember writing in my bucket list that I wanted to live there for a year...umm I don't know if that will happen. Maybe when I wrote that I had forgot how hectic it is. I mean I like it but to live there for a year...IDK. But aren't these pictures really pretty? I took the one of the Statute of Liberty on the Staten Island ferry. The other one is from the 86th floor of the Empire state building. From way up there people look like little ants. The sky is beautiful at sunset. You look out there and you feel so small. Anyways I'm happy I'm home.


Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Messages from God...

I believe that God talks to us. Sometimes it's directly and sometime he uses other people. It's up to us to choose to listen. So lately I been struggling or more like in limbo about something. Not knowing what to do about it, if anything. In any case I spoke to one of my customers. She is a single woman and she says she is thinking of moving away to another country for retirement. She lives with friends here but she says when she gets old she doesn't want to be a burden to them. Julia never got married or had any kids. Fear was the reason. She said she was always thinking ahead and for fear or being hurt she never got married. She told me that in life you have to be more adventurous. Do things you want to do and eat things you want to eat and make memories with people because in the end you don't take things with you when you die. I could not agree more. I love how when I think God isn't around or he had better things to do than so solve my stupid problems he comes through, all you have to do is listen. He is around and sees everything. Open your eyes and ears, he does send you answers it's up to you to pay attention.

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Glimpses of Heaven...

 So recently I been giving country music a try and I stumbled upon this song by Kane Brown. It's a beautiful song about a guy that is laying in bed with his girlfriend. He says he doesn't know how heaven could be better than that. Not only do I agree, it made me think of how lucky and great full I should be. Yes it made me think of when that happened to me and even though I'm not with him anymore I get what he means. It made me think of other times where I am in so much happiness I can't even explain it. It also made me think of when I'm surrounded by my friends at game night. There is so much noise but the good kind. The kind that makes you know everyone is involved and present.  I'm in heaven when my mom is happy she is on vacation with me to a place she has never been. So there are moments when heaven is on earth and in this time. The trick is to catch it while it's happening, to record it in our minds so that we can remember it when things are that way. I want to live my life like that, collecting memories so that when I'm old I'll look back and not regret anything. What a beautiful song!!


Monday, December 25, 2017

Year End 2017...

So yesterday I was at my one of my best friend's house. We celebrated Christmas with the her family and after we opened gifts we played games. Yes, I said games. We played family feud I bought at Five Below. It was amazing and so much fun! Today I was coming back from spending time with my sisters and I was like! I'm so blessed to know this group of people. They are so amazing, they love me for the person that I am and don't judge me. I can be me around them. The silly person who I am. I'm so happy God put them in my life. They are my family and we have an unbreakable bond. We have been friends for more than 25 years and it just keeps getting better. Some people never have long term friend and I have a whole family worth. Pleased I have a good job which I complain about but at least I have a job. I helps me pay my house and put food on the table and lets me take my mom on vacations too! All in all God is good to me and my family. What did I learn this year? I learned that not everyone in your life will be happy for you. That there are people that disguise themselves as friends but aren't. Which I did know before but it's seems like I might have needed a refresher. I learned to mind map and that has been really great for me. It's helps me see the loops in my thinking and lets me make list so I can accomplish things. I'm looking forward to next year. I want to be closer to my sisters and my nephews. I need to spend more time with them. I also need to take my Ebay thing more serious. I need to stop being lazy with it. Go back to school, even if it is one class to start. But this year was about learning to care and appreciate what I have. Sometimes we complaint but we have to learn to appreciate what we have. There are so many people in this world that don't have a place to live or even food to eat. If we have that we are already ahead. I have no doubt in my mind that God has a plan for me next year. So even though I don't know what it is I'm happy to trust in Him that he knows what's best for me.