News Story Has Me Spinning

 A few days ago I was online and there was this news article that popped up on  my feed about this guy that overdosed. He was very young and to be honest I did not even read the whole thing. What I did read was he was a son of a very rich man.  It got me thinking. That is so sad that we all can have the same types of problems. Even if we don't have money or if we have the most amount of money. Addiction. I was thinking people are addicted to different things, right? Some are addicted to likes, shopping or drugs or food. But no amount of money can save us unless we WANT to save our selves. This story proves that. I mean the guys dad is a billionaire and even that couldn't save him. It's so sad he was so young. There were so many things he didn't get to do. Get married, have kids, find his calling...It goes to show you that even if you have money there are demons you have to fight. It starts me to thinking about the relationship we have in our lives and how communication plays a big role. Like I think about how close I am to my mom and I think about how I know a lot of people that don't even talk to their parents. I think wow I'm lucky because I can literally tell my mom anything and she never turns her back on me. How our relationship is so close, open and honest. I'm very lucky in that way. God has blessed me with a mom like mine. And then I think would that have helped this guy? Having a open, honest, close relationship with his parents have helped him not go down the path of drugs? Did the drive of the dad to make money play a part in the addiction of his son? Did the dad pay more attention to the drive of money more than the drive to be someone's dad? Where does the mom come in all of this? Was she an enabler?  or was the dad? Did they not see what was happing at all or did they see the signs and ignore them like most of us? Maybe thinking it wasn't as bad as it really was? All those thoughts came to my mind and then there is just sadness for the family. They lost a loved one and no amount of money can get him back. Ironic, huh?

My stapler...

 So I don't know if I ever wrote about how I'm a pen hoarder... Yes that is correct if you know me you know I'm like that dude in that movie Office Space with the red stapler... I can't tell you why. I think it is because when it was back to school time my mom used to buy me all the school stuff I wanted. You know all the things parents buy their kids, new clothes and new pens and notebooks. I think I'm associating that with happiness. I don't know all I know is that I have a lot around the house. Also I noticed a while back that when I remember notes I sometimes remember the color I wrote them in. So as you know with all this Covid-19 stuff going down I thought it was a good idea to start learning new things even if I can't go to school in person. So I joined skill success. I been loving it and as a result wanted new pens. So I did research and I found these. Also if you know me you know I'm super picky when it comes to pens. If they don't write how I like I don't use them and as a result I had accumulated A LOT. I actually went around the house and bunched similar ones together and have some a few lots in my ebay store. Anyways still I really like these they are- I would say the closest I found like the Pilot V5 but at a better price and you get so many. You get 12 colors and two of each so in total 24 for $20 bucks and if you have a coupon, even better. Ok that was it, just wanted to let you know about these pens...just in case you are a pen freak like me. :P

GXD

16 Years ago today...

So it's been 16 years since I was shot. It was so long ago...I think about it now and I feel so blessed. Not just because I didn't die out there in that parking lot but also because God changed my life that day. It was the beginning of the rest of my life. That day I turned in to an adult. I feel like I was a kid before then. I did not know how it was to be responsible for things like an adult. The most serious thing I had been responsible for at that point was making a car payment. Because of that night I went through a lot. I was in the hospital for 33 days. I had to grow up and know that there are a lot of bad people in the world. I got to be real with my boss after coming back from that and I got to tell them my plans for being with that company. I got to be there and be really good at it for 16 years. I know now that God spins things around for your good even when you think things are bad and can't get worse. All those things I went through to get here. I know God loves me. I talked to my sister last month and she was going through things and I told her how I felt about the trials of life and she said she wished she had that view. The view is that God will test you. Or maybe He doesn't send the test but in life there are going to be test just to see if you trust in Him. To see what will you do...how will you react? I have what I would like to think I have a connection to him and the Holy Spirt that I only want to get stronger. I know that He is always there. He was there the days I got shot He is here now as I sit at my computer and write this. I believe He is asking me to talk about what happened to me and I will do that but I'm not sure as to go about it. But I'm going to do as I'm told. I'm thinking about doing a YT video about it. I'm not really sure but we will see. I just want strength because when I talk about this I know there will be people that think I'm crazy. But then again when have I cared about what people think? Anyways this year's anniversary I can't really give you any words of wisdom more than the ones I have already written in previous years, to be honest. If that changes I will let you know. But one thing is that I am now ready to keep my word to Him and a YT video is coming. The question is, when?

G

To you

To you,

I heard this song the other day. As soon as I heard it- I thought of you. It talks about how the drinks bring back memories of you and all that we been through... I thought about the last time I saw you. You were with someone else and so was I. I though about how things could have been so different. But then I think, no, things are they way they are for a reason. I trust in God even if I don't know why those things happened. But even if I trust- doesn't help my mind from wondering about what could have been had we ever got our shit together. Maybe next lifetime we will get it right. Maybe...


-Gladis Xiomara

The universe and the signs...

So do you believe that the universe sends you messages? I do. Sometimes they are obvious and sometimes they are not. So I think I'm supposed to be a reseller in this part of my life. I was watching a video the other day and some said something about keeping your head down and just working...I'm not sure I've done that. I know that there have been times in my life that I have felt in the groove that I knew that what I was doing was the right thing. Because everything would come out great. That was a long time ago. But I want that again and that's what I'm chasing at the moment. That feeling where everything just lines up right and I look up and I'm happy and know I'm fulfilling what  I was made for. I crave that right now. Any ways no real lesson in this one just an observation...

Gladis Xiomara

Stuck in Limbo...

So that exactly how I feel...like I'm stuck. Have you ever seen the movie Mannequin? It's with Kim Catrell and Andrew McCarthy. In the begging of that movie Jonathan is trying to find him self. He tries all these jobs before he gets to the window dresser job that he ends up being very good at. Any ways I remember seeing that part of that movie and I feel like I want to do that. So it was meant to be funny but I feel it could do that...Can you see me in a pizza delivery outfit? Or being a gardener? Anyways these couple of months I have been kind of doing that. I love nails and I been doing them but I have only take that ounce a day I can't be doing that 8 hours a day...no. My back starts to hurt so no...I just took up the carpet in my house because I want new tile and I can't do that either... now my house looks like crap cus I have to take up the other part of the house before they can get started. All my body hurts and I only did it for a couple of hours. Well at least I know I can't be a nail tech or a tile installer...lol. I'm lost and I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel yet. Still in limbo...

Loving someone more than you love yourself...

So I have to confess something... I haven't always been such a good person. I have to say that there was one time I was unfaithful to someone. I regret it to this day. I learned a lot about myself then. I learned I'm not a cheater. I learned I'm worth more than that. But let me tell you first how and why it happened. It happened more than ten years ago. I was in a relationship that I did not care for because I was trying to get over someone. I'm not a victim here but looking at it from another angle I was not 100% at fault either. After telling you all this, you can make your own decision of what you think. Ok so here is the tea...I had just had the most devastating break up of my life. I LOVED this man with everything I had. We will call him Kennith. He broke up with me and I guess I understand why. I mean what is the only reason someone breaks up with you? Because they don't love you, right? I know that now. Anyways...in Spanish we have this saying. "Un clavo saca otro clavo" Which means literally one nail takes out another nail. It makes no sense but it means you should get into another relationship to help you forget the past relationship. THE WORST IDEA EVER! Nope, that didn't work at all. For me, I did find someone new very quickly. We will call him Charlie. Charlie was a nice enough guy. He was handsome in his own way. He made a place for me in his life. I really tried to put my heart in it but how could I give my heart out to Charlie when at that point my heart belonged to Kennith? I could not. I needed to give myself time to heal my heart so I could give it a real shot. When my new boyfriend Charlie and I would spend time together I would find myself thinking about Kennith. I was not present with him when we were together. My mind would wonder to think what it would be like to be doing x,y,z activity with Kennith instead. I could not even bring myself to tell Charlie I loved him even though we spent more than a year together.  So this is where I think it was not all my fault. Kennith knew I loved him more than I loved myself at the time. And that's where the problem was. I compromised my integrity, who I am fundamentally to be close to Kennith.  Looking back at it now I have asked God to show me where I went wrong and this was the begging. I feel that I was manipulated because he knew I loved him and he knew I would do anything for him. So I cheated. It only happened once but that doesn't matter, right? It happened. And now I know by doing that there were way more repercussions than that just that act. For one that solidified that Kennith would NEVER see me as a potential mate because now he knew I was capable of being cheater, even if it was with him. Also, that I would take this incident and hold it against myself for a long, long time. Like a recording that would play in my mind to remind me that I was not worthy of love because I had done this to someone. I would think things like I don't deserve to be loved because I cheated and that's probably why God doesn't send my someone. Just stuff like that. I gotta say I learned a lot from all of this. So now when the opportunity arises for me to love someone I always think to myself how am I being treated? How much do I love myself in this situation? What am I willing to put up with? What do I deserve? because bottom line had I loved myself in this, I would never have cheated. After Kennith broke up with me I should have said ok you don't love me anymore and so I'm sad but I accept it and I will heal and go on with my life. That is what I SHOULD have done instead of what I did. Because not only did I hurt myself. I hurt someone else in the process. I regret it with all my heart because yeah Charlie wasn't perfect but he didn't deserve that either. I pray for him often. I pray that Charlie found someone to build the family and life he wanted. He deserved to be love by someone that loved him passionately if I wasn't able to. So now having told you all this, do you still feel like a cheater is always a cheater? For me, having lived it, no I will never cheat again. But what do you think?


-G