Water and knowing your worth...

It seems I don't often get inspiration to write on my blog anymore... sorry about that. But today I do have a new one for you. I once heard 50 cent talk about water...I found it interesting because its is true. So he was saying that a water bottle at the grocery store can be $1.00 (don't quote me on the prices he said because I don't remember them exactly it's the concept that matters) and let's say you are at Disney World. A bottle water there will cost you $5.00 or more. I haven't been to Disney World in a long time... Anyways he mentioned another place and the was more expensive than the grocery store scenario. But his point is it's the same bottle water with the same content it's worth more than other places. It just depending on where you are, it's worth more. I felt like that where I was at before that I was a bottle water that I was value at the grocery store price when I knew my value was greater. I know that ideally I do want to work for myself again at some point and I'm still trying to figure that out. But in the mean time I'm at a place where I feel they see my value & it's very rewarding for me. I get to help people in a way I didn't before. I can help people and really make a difference one loan at a time. I especially like the debt consolidation loans because people leave my office with a sense of relief and I can see in their face and body language. It's like a weight has been lifted. I love that feeling of being able to help people. I don't know if it's my calling but it is very rewarding for me. Yes I get paid some commission some times but that isn't what drives me. It's the part knowing that these people trust me and it helps them live better and then now they also have the knowledge they need to not get into any more frivolous debt. It's feel amazing to be able to help people like that. In my other job is was rare to have that feeling, and maybe it was partly my fault but the again I can't sell what we don't have. Anyways I though it was a good comparison to get out here. Anyways, have a good one!

Xiomara

My Place with Tim

So it's been a while since I wrote a blog... It's actually because there are some exciting things that have happened. I meet someone! He is an amazing man and I know he is the person I was waiting for all this time! So we meet on match.com. Yes, it works! We started chatting and we meet in dec 2021. From then it has been the best relationship I have ever had. He is mature and when he says he will do something he does it. He is sweet, kind, loving, funny, playful and most of all treats me so good. He asked me to marry him in May and I said Yes! We met at the park and he proposed at the park like the romantic man he is. He makes me want to do stuff that I never have before for anyone else. I get up early with him and make us breakfast and his lunch and dinner in the evenings... I help with laundry and I clean. I have always since I was young have been such an independent person that I thought I'm never gonna be that kind of girl. But then again I had never met anyone like Tim. It's weird because when we meet I got this peace feeling and it also happened on our 2dn date. You guys know I believe in God. I had prayed to him asking Him that when I meet my person I would have some type of feeling. And my prayer was answered. We have spent almost everyday together since feb. and I have learned a lot but mostly I learned to compromise and to put into actions what I had to learn the hard way. I'm so glad that I did the "work" before I got into this relationship. I was able to see all the anxious things I was doing before. I got realized I was the one accepting behavior that was uncalled for just because I didn't think I was enough. As soon as I saw my worth I stopped entertaining BS and started to really look for my partner in life. Once I decided what I would take and what I thought was unacceptable and what I wanted I started to be so much more successful in my picking people to really dedicate time to. That is when I found Tim. Well he found me in Oct. What I can say is that he has all the qualities I wanted and more that I didn't even know I needed. I love him so much and as time passes and I get to know him more I love him more. He makes me want to be the best version of me. We just got engaged so we aren't in a hurry to get married. I think we still have a lot to learn about each other. But just the little things because on the big things we agree on. I think this relationship is different for me because I have always been my authentic self. From the moment we met at the park I have always said what I wanted and what I felt and never kept anything away from him. And I would ask the right questions and he would answer with sincerity. And we were looking for the same thing, a partner in life. So we have had arguments but those were mostly misunderstandings. We worked through them and came out ahead. Had I known what I know now in my 20's I would have been married sooner. But I'm so happy with the man God gave me! I love him so much! He is moving in with me at the end of this month and it's exicting because I have never lived with someone before. But it has to happen, it's the next step. And when you know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is to say you are going too fast? I found my person and I have never been happier! I can only thank God for that...I will keep you updated if we have more news!

Love, 

Gladis

Course Corritors

It's so funny how people who write have a process. My process is usually the content first and then later I try to make witty title but somehow this one is different the title came first...so this one is about another observation I made to tie something together. You know some of God's mysterious ways. Let me tell you about an ex boyfriend. I'm going to call him Gilbert. So Gilbert and I meet online and I went to meet him in Dallas, this was when you didn't really hear about people getting killed or getting cut into little pieces by people they meet on the internet and if you had, at that point I had not. Either way Gilbert and I were not together long, we were not compatible long term but he was a course corrector in my life. Those people are the people that God sends in your life to adjust your path because there is something that needs to change or adjust in your life. So I'm sure I have mentioned it before that I have a rich circle of friends stemming from this one family I meet when I was 9 years old. Well there was a time where we were not seeing eye to eye and we were not on speaking terms. So this is where Gilbert was instrumental, I asked him what he thought about the situation and he advised me to reunite with Maria. We had stopped talking because at the time her husband and I didn't really get along. So his opinion persuaded me to call her and become friends again. If that had not happened I would have never meet Judy, who now is also one of my besties. So recently I had a situation that now I believe was another course corrector. I meet someone online which I never got to meet in person. Anyways to be honest the pix were too good to be true and one of my thoughts was, what does this dude want with me? which I know, I should not have been thinking that but Ill address that in a min. Ok so because of those pictures, they made me want to get fit again. So I started going to walk at the park and I have been going everyday since the 4th of July so almost one month. I have seen a difference in my body and my confidence. My mom and my friends see a difference too. So I'm super happy that God cares enough about me to bring someone into my life that by no action of their own could inspire me to get fit. And I did need that for me. So I want to thank God that he is still looking out for me. That he has a plan and all I have to do is summit my life to him and it will happen in His timing. And as far as that thought I had. I have decided to take some time for myself. The time line is one month right now and just work on me and see where that thought stemmed from. Why did it come up? Why did I feel inferior to the guy in those pix? For all I know they might belong to someone else entirely...and all the stuff this person was saying could have been a straight up lie. So why did I think I was less worthy? So I'm gonna be working on that for the next month...So we shall see what this discovers...wish me luck, cus chances are, I'm gonna need it. 

Xiomara

17 Years

 So last month turned 17 years since I was shot. I usually write a blog on the day of or the week of but this time I needed to compose my thoughts. This last year has been so weird with the pandemic and all. Really tough on me because my love language is quality time. I haven't been able to spend that time with my friends and as much as I would normally. It's a new reality. I'm hopeful that it's gonna change soon. But as far as this past year. I learned a lot. I took a whole bunch of  classes online and I'm learning a new trade. Leather working. It's very interesting and I have found that I like to sew by hand. I have used this time to learn new things. In any case most times I have something poetic to talk about but not this year. To be honest all those bad memories are fading, which is good for me. I mean when it first happened I would have nightmares about having to run and hide from someone with a gun. On Easter someone asked me about it and I changed the subject, I'm not sure why I felt unfordable talking about it. I though I had gotten passed that point... IDK. You know what I thought about recently? Someone called me a goody too shoes once. And I been thinking about that. I thought well I have so much to be grateful for. I survived a shot in the chest. I survived a tumor in my ovary. So yeah I will be a goody too shoes for the rest of my life because God is in me. Because God saved me. And I will represent Him for as long as I am alive. And then I think was this person jealous that of the way I live my life? umm, interesting... that is it for now. 

GXD

News Story Has Me Spinning

 A few days ago I was online and there was this news article that popped up on  my feed about this guy that overdosed. He was very young and to be honest I did not even read the whole thing. What I did read was he was a son of a very rich man.  It got me thinking. That is so sad that we all can have the same types of problems. Even if we don't have money or if we have the most amount of money. Addiction. I was thinking people are addicted to different things, right? Some are addicted to likes, shopping or drugs or food. But no amount of money can save us unless we WANT to save our selves. This story proves that. I mean the guys dad is a billionaire and even that couldn't save him. It's so sad he was so young. There were so many things he didn't get to do. Get married, have kids, find his calling...It goes to show you that even if you have money there are demons you have to fight. It starts me to thinking about the relationship we have in our lives and how communication plays a big role. Like I think about how close I am to my mom and I think about how I know a lot of people that don't even talk to their parents. I think wow I'm lucky because I can literally tell my mom anything and she never turns her back on me. How our relationship is so close, open and honest. I'm very lucky in that way. God has blessed me with a mom like mine. And then I think would that have helped this guy? Having a open, honest, close relationship with his parents have helped him not go down the path of drugs? Did the drive of the dad to make money play a part in the addiction of his son? Did the dad pay more attention to the drive of money more than the drive to be someone's dad? Where does the mom come in all of this? Was she an enabler?  or was the dad? Did they not see what was happing at all or did they see the signs and ignore them like most of us? Maybe thinking it wasn't as bad as it really was? All those thoughts came to my mind and then there is just sadness for the family. They lost a loved one and no amount of money can get him back. Ironic, huh?

My stapler...

 So I don't know if I ever wrote about how I'm a pen hoarder... Yes that is correct if you know me you know I'm like that dude in that movie Office Space with the red stapler... I can't tell you why. I think it is because when it was back to school time my mom used to buy me all the school stuff I wanted. You know all the things parents buy their kids, new clothes and new pens and notebooks. I think I'm associating that with happiness. I don't know all I know is that I have a lot around the house. Also I noticed a while back that when I remember notes I sometimes remember the color I wrote them in. So as you know with all this Covid-19 stuff going down I thought it was a good idea to start learning new things even if I can't go to school in person. So I joined skill success. I been loving it and as a result wanted new pens. So I did research and I found these. Also if you know me you know I'm super picky when it comes to pens. If they don't write how I like I don't use them and as a result I had accumulated A LOT. I actually went around the house and bunched similar ones together and have some a few lots in my ebay store. Anyways still I really like these they are- I would say the closest I found like the Pilot V5 but at a better price and you get so many. You get 12 colors and two of each so in total 24 for $20 bucks and if you have a coupon, even better. Ok that was it, just wanted to let you know about these pens...just in case you are a pen freak like me. :P

GXD

16 Years ago today...

So it's been 16 years since I was shot. It was so long ago...I think about it now and I feel so blessed. Not just because I didn't die out there in that parking lot but also because God changed my life that day. It was the beginning of the rest of my life. That day I turned in to an adult. I feel like I was a kid before then. I did not know how it was to be responsible for things like an adult. The most serious thing I had been responsible for at that point was making a car payment. Because of that night I went through a lot. I was in the hospital for 33 days. I had to grow up and know that there are a lot of bad people in the world. I got to be real with my boss after coming back from that and I got to tell them my plans for being with that company. I got to be there and be really good at it for 16 years. I know now that God spins things around for your good even when you think things are bad and can't get worse. All those things I went through to get here. I know God loves me. I talked to my sister last month and she was going through things and I told her how I felt about the trials of life and she said she wished she had that view. The view is that God will test you. Or maybe He doesn't send the test but in life there are going to be test just to see if you trust in Him. To see what will you do...how will you react? I have what I would like to think I have a connection to him and the Holy Spirt that I only want to get stronger. I know that He is always there. He was there the days I got shot He is here now as I sit at my computer and write this. I believe He is asking me to talk about what happened to me and I will do that but I'm not sure as to go about it. But I'm going to do as I'm told. I'm thinking about doing a YT video about it. I'm not really sure but we will see. I just want strength because when I talk about this I know there will be people that think I'm crazy. But then again when have I cared about what people think? Anyways this year's anniversary I can't really give you any words of wisdom more than the ones I have already written in previous years, to be honest. If that changes I will let you know. But one thing is that I am now ready to keep my word to Him and a YT video is coming. The question is, when?

G

To you

To you,

I heard this song the other day. As soon as I heard it- I thought of you. It talks about how the drinks bring back memories of you and all that we been through... I thought about the last time I saw you. You were with someone else and so was I. I though about how things could have been so different. But then I think, no, things are they way they are for a reason. I trust in God even if I don't know why those things happened. But even if I trust- doesn't help my mind from wondering about what could have been had we ever got our shit together. Maybe next lifetime we will get it right. Maybe...


-Gladis Xiomara

The universe and the signs...

So do you believe that the universe sends you messages? I do. Sometimes they are obvious and sometimes they are not. So I think I'm supposed to be a reseller in this part of my life. I was watching a video the other day and some said something about keeping your head down and just working...I'm not sure I've done that. I know that there have been times in my life that I have felt in the groove that I knew that what I was doing was the right thing. Because everything would come out great. That was a long time ago. But I want that again and that's what I'm chasing at the moment. That feeling where everything just lines up right and I look up and I'm happy and know I'm fulfilling what  I was made for. I crave that right now. Any ways no real lesson in this one just an observation...

Gladis Xiomara

Stuck in Limbo...

So that exactly how I feel...like I'm stuck. Have you ever seen the movie Mannequin? It's with Kim Catrell and Andrew McCarthy. In the begging of that movie Jonathan is trying to find him self. He tries all these jobs before he gets to the window dresser job that he ends up being very good at. Any ways I remember seeing that part of that movie and I feel like I want to do that. So it was meant to be funny but I feel it could do that...Can you see me in a pizza delivery outfit? Or being a gardener? Anyways these couple of months I have been kind of doing that. I love nails and I been doing them but I have only take that ounce a day I can't be doing that 8 hours a day...no. My back starts to hurt so no...I just took up the carpet in my house because I want new tile and I can't do that either... now my house looks like crap cus I have to take up the other part of the house before they can get started. All my body hurts and I only did it for a couple of hours. Well at least I know I can't be a nail tech or a tile installer...lol. I'm lost and I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel yet. Still in limbo...

Loving someone more than you love yourself...

So I have to confess something... I haven't always been such a good person. I have to say that there was one time I was unfaithful to someone. I regret it to this day. I learned a lot about myself then. I learned I'm not a cheater. I learned I'm worth more than that. But let me tell you first how and why it happened. It happened more than ten years ago. I was in a relationship that I did not care for because I was trying to get over someone. I'm not a victim here but looking at it from another angle I was not 100% at fault either. After telling you all this, you can make your own decision of what you think. Ok so here is the tea...I had just had the most devastating break up of my life. I LOVED this man with everything I had. We will call him Kennith. He broke up with me and I guess I understand why. I mean what is the only reason someone breaks up with you? Because they don't love you, right? I know that now. Anyways...in Spanish we have this saying. "Un clavo saca otro clavo" Which means literally one nail takes out another nail. It makes no sense but it means you should get into another relationship to help you forget the past relationship. THE WORST IDEA EVER! Nope, that didn't work at all. For me, I did find someone new very quickly. We will call him Charlie. Charlie was a nice enough guy. He was handsome in his own way. He made a place for me in his life. I really tried to put my heart in it but how could I give my heart out to Charlie when at that point my heart belonged to Kennith? I could not. I needed to give myself time to heal my heart so I could give it a real shot. When my new boyfriend Charlie and I would spend time together I would find myself thinking about Kennith. I was not present with him when we were together. My mind would wonder to think what it would be like to be doing x,y,z activity with Kennith instead. I could not even bring myself to tell Charlie I loved him even though we spent more than a year together.  So this is where I think it was not all my fault. Kennith knew I loved him more than I loved myself at the time. And that's where the problem was. I compromised my integrity, who I am fundamentally to be close to Kennith.  Looking back at it now I have asked God to show me where I went wrong and this was the begging. I feel that I was manipulated because he knew I loved him and he knew I would do anything for him. So I cheated. It only happened once but that doesn't matter, right? It happened. And now I know by doing that there were way more repercussions than that just that act. For one that solidified that Kennith would NEVER see me as a potential mate because now he knew I was capable of being cheater, even if it was with him. Also, that I would take this incident and hold it against myself for a long, long time. Like a recording that would play in my mind to remind me that I was not worthy of love because I had done this to someone. I would think things like I don't deserve to be loved because I cheated and that's probably why God doesn't send my someone. Just stuff like that. I gotta say I learned a lot from all of this. So now when the opportunity arises for me to love someone I always think to myself how am I being treated? How much do I love myself in this situation? What am I willing to put up with? What do I deserve? because bottom line had I loved myself in this, I would never have cheated. After Kennith broke up with me I should have said ok you don't love me anymore and so I'm sad but I accept it and I will heal and go on with my life. That is what I SHOULD have done instead of what I did. Because not only did I hurt myself. I hurt someone else in the process. I regret it with all my heart because yeah Charlie wasn't perfect but he didn't deserve that either. I pray for him often. I pray that Charlie found someone to build the family and life he wanted. He deserved to be love by someone that loved him passionately if I wasn't able to. So now having told you all this, do you still feel like a cheater is always a cheater? For me, having lived it, no I will never cheat again. But what do you think?


-G

Uncoditional Love???

So lately I feel like the universe has been trying to tell me something. Maybe to teach me a lesson of unconditional love. Isn't that the most hard lesson to learn? I feel it is. Why you ask? Well isn't easy to love someone that loves you back? yeah like one of my best friends. I have known her the least amount of time and I love her to death. She is just like me always thinking of other people. Always there to serve someone else. So easy to love. But then I think about another friend I have...He forgot my birthday and sometimes doesn't answer text messages and lies about it. Then I ask God if this person always hurts me why don't you take him from my life? I try to walk away and he comes back. Still more hurt happens. So I now I think is it God trying to teach me unconditional love? So I got to love him even if he hurts my feelings? I got to be my best even if I feel like cussing him out for the latest crap he pulled? I don't know. Is this more about me and patience? I don't know...Maybe I'm reading the signs wrong? Maybe I heard the Lord wrong...I'm just confused. But what I do know is the Lord would not want me to keep suffering, right? What are your thoughts about it?

-G

The house won't fall when the bones are good...

I agree 100%. The bones is our friendship. The bones is our love. The bones are our connection. It's the fact you know there is no one in the world like you or me. The foundation is your word and my word. Say what you mean, mean what you say. The foundation is letting your yes be yes and your nos be no. Our house won't go anywhere if all that is there...

-Gladis Xiomara

It's been 15 years...

It's that time of year again when I give thanks to God that I'm alive. I also try to justify my life was worth saving...So this year has really been interesting. If you would have told me a year ago I would have no job and still be happy I would have told you you're are crazy. So this year I quit my job of 16 years. Something I never thought I would do but honestly I just thought I was wasting my time there. And let's be clear, this time we have on earth is limited. I couldn't just be wasting it somewhere I was miserable. So I had to trust in God that he would lead me to do something more aligned with what He wants me to do. I'm still a little lost. I feel like I'm in the middle of a huge ocean but at least now I found a piece of drift wood to cling to until I find land. I remember that saying about how God never puts you through something you can not handle. I wanted to say that this year as I been here at home another plus to this whole leaving my job thing is that I been able to spend a lot of time with my mom. She is so funny and strong. I remember when I was in the hospital she never cried. Well I never saw her cry. I think about how I'm so fortunate to have her still and how God is keeping her healthy. Usually I have a deeper angle to all of this but honestly this year has been just time to be with God and hearing from Him. It's been about taking a leap of faith to show him that through thick and thin I'm gonna trust in Him to guide me to where he wants me to be and do what He wants me to do for His kingdom. And that is why he saved me from that gunshot. When I talk to Him I ask for guidance in every area of my life. And I know He answers me. I'm looking forward to this year and what it will bring me as I took the biggest leap of faith I have ever taken.

She loves snap chat!

2018 Year Summary...

So it's time again so remember that good, the bad and the ugly about 2018. What was this year all about Gladis Xiomara? Well, let's see what exactly happened? So I learned about forgiveness, about how it feels to swallow your pride and ask for forgiveness. I learned to let go of people. I learned to let people in your life to make new friends. I learned to trust God in health and career. I learned a lot in 2018. So 2018 was about unconditional love. I think now I'm ready to give and receive it. I learned to love myself and trust that God has a plan and His plan is always better than mine. Ok, so I was dating someone that helped me understand things about myself that I might not have known otherwise. I had a lot of pride before. So let's say that I did someone that was kind of childish and later I would be like Yeah I shouldn't have done that. I wouldn't apologize I would wait till the other person would bring it up and not say sorry when I should have said it right when I realized I was wrong. Well, I learned to apologize. Also, I learned to say I'm angry about this issue right away instead of holding the issues in and exploding about it later. I'm becoming an adult! I'm even beginning to forgive my Dad! OMG, I never thought I would say that. I let hope go after 20 years. I threw away something I had been holding on to for 20 years! I also got so angry at work that I let that job go as well! I had been there for 16 years and I had to walk away because I didn't love it anymore. I was not being challenged enough and I was so unhappy. I would wake up during the night and I would think, I only have 3 more hours to be here and then I got to go back there...**** me! Your job should not be like that. You should enjoy it and have fun there. So I gave my two-week notice and have not looked back. I work on my eBay from home now and am happy every day to be at home with my mom and fur babies. I'm thinking to go to nail tech school I went yesterday to look at another school and we shall see how that goes. I mean it's not working for a huge bank and the status that brings you but whatever if I'm gonna be happy to go to work every day making people's nail look good. I'll take it. It should only take like 4 month to do if I go full time so like I said we shall see. Also, I keep learning the same stuff over and over again. This year I learned again that in a relationship if it's a family relationship or a love relationship, you can only try for yourself. The other person HAS to at least come half way. If they don't come halfway you can NOT force any them. They don't want to do for you, care for you, spend time with you, their actions show you right there how they feel. Why is it so hard to make time for people? Because there is no feeling there which is hard to take as the person that wants to get time from them but all I can do is keep moving forward, learn the lesson and keep moving forward. Those are the lesson I learned in 2018. They are amazing lessons and I hope God keeps blessing me because I'm moving towards Him. What about you? What lessons did you learn in 2018?

- Gladis Xiomara

My new life...and trusting in God

So about a month ago it was my last day at the job I had spent basically all my adult life at.  Sixteen years...So on Sunday morning I was thinking about it. I thought wow at this time on any regular Sunday I would be already stressed about how only hours would pass and I would have to go to a job I hate. But last Sunday I was relived. I just figured out I don't hate Mondays anymore. I look forward to everyday now. Yes I have no steady income and I still have bills to pay but I'm so happy. So I feel like a lot of my life I have had to learn a lot of lessons. And one of the lessons I have recently learned was to trust God. I know it sounds crazy because as a Christian that is probably the most important thing in life. And I knew that but I never really had to prove it. Now I'm proving it by leaving a place so familiar and safe to me. I took this step because I was miserable. I needed this. Also I just came off a cruise. I meet a few people on this cruise that I felt God placed in my path. I meet this guy named Shun and this other man named Dave. Shun told me the most important thing once I told  him my plan was the follow through, Dave said that if I was going to work from home the most important thing was to be disciplined. So this week I have started to have sort of a schedule and I been trying to stick to it. I get up and get ready, have breakfast and then go in my office and work (EBAY). I have done that three out of four days this week. I'm not perfect but with time I will have that down. Also I remember telling my self that if I was going to quit I would need to make it a priority to work out or at least walk. I also have done that three times with week. So progress after a much needed month off. But what I can say to wrap this up and that I'm enjoying my new life. Resting and spending time with my mom is awesome. I'm trying to be open to all that God may send my way. Trusting that he will send me in the right direction...

16 years and Counting on God To Catch Me...

So since I was 22 I been at this here job in banking. Last week on Thursday I made the sporadic decision that I'm not sure if I will live to regret. I put in my two week notice with no new job lined up. The truth is that I have been unhappy for years and I was going to be there unhappy until something broke. My spirt or my body. Another truth is that I fear that my body might be. So I need time to recuperate.  I need time to be with God and to talk to Him so He can guide me to where I have to be. I know that I was supposed to be there for a season of my life because I had a lot of favor with God being there. But I feel burned out, like I have given it all I have and there cant squeeze any more out of me because I just can't take it anymore. I'm sad about it a little because there was a time that I thought that I was going to retire from that place. That was years ago but I'm excited about the brand new world that is opening up. The time I'm going to be spending with my mom. The time I will be doing the things I want to do. Like traveling and enjoying life before I get back to work or go back to school. Honestly I don't remember being so happy. I know that whatever God tells me to do I will rock at it. I'm a fast learner and I can do anything if I put my mind to it. And I if for whatever reason I'm doing the wrong thing than I embrace it because this time I'm gonna have with my mom is going to be worth it. As far as money I'm gonna continue to do my Ebay stuff and that should be enough to get by. So I should be fine no problem. I feel good about it and I'm happy everday cus now it's like I'm counting down to it. The day I walk out and then I'm free...OMG! It's been a long time coming. I'm counting on God that He will catch me...

Marshall...

So I made another mistake...Fuck me when I am going to learn? But you know what's funny this time it was weird because I felt like I was trusting my instincts. It wasn't like it was a long time this time but it was really real, at least for me. I felt like I could trust him and I had nothing to worry about. I will always remember him as the guy that told me the sweetest thing any one ever said to me. He said " If I had a brewery you would not have to work anymore." He had heard me complaining about my job and knew I wanted to stay home. It was so funny because even though there were no titles sometimes I felt like were together. When I looked in him eyes I saw him. Or so I thought. I know God does everything for a reason and I never want to ask him why I just want to trust this is for the best. I have to say though there was a day where he was next to me and I felt peace. Doesn't the bible say something about following peace? So I did find a silver lining in all this...About a month ago I saw someone at the bar I used to love. It was a whole coincidental thing and all I can say was that it was orchestrated by all might God. In any case, I didn't feel what I though I was going to feel. I though I was going to be devastated. But because (we will call him Marshall) I felt grateful that he was in my life so I could be strong enough to show him that I was over it, FINALLY! So I guess having Marshall in my life did that and it was good. And actually I learned to tell my feelings like I had not done, ever. I was more open and honest with Marshall than anyone I had ever been before and for me it was amazing! It was freeing and having said that I also have peace. Peace because there is no instance that I lied to be someone I'm not and I have peace because I did everything I could to try. But if there is another lesson here is that you cannot try for two people. You can only give your 100% and if the other person doesn't reciprocate then it was not the right fit. I will say this: I will miss Marshall. I will miss his smile, candor, sweetness, his boyish warmth and the peace I once felt just hanging out with him on my couch. I hope he finds what he is looking for. Sending him much Love and Light...


-G

Father's Day...

So today is father's day and I don't do much for this day because I didn't really have a quality dad I can be all proud of and frankly, it sucks. I wish that I would have had a dad that I could say wow he was amazing...he taught me this and that, blah blah blah. But no instead I have a man that a one point said I wasn't even part of the family. And now that same man comes to my house asking to use my computer...So I have been holding in some feelings and I don't know when I'm going to allow myself to deal with these feelings towards him. I struggle with thinking, yes I should tell him off and then I think why should I? It's been 38 years and he never thought it was important to have a heart to heart with me, why should I care enough to do that? But then I think it's not for him it's for ME. Will I ever get to have the strength to actually cuss his fucking ass out like I been wanting to for years? IDK! I been wanting to kick his ass out of my house for years. I ask God to help me with my unresolved shit, obsessively I feel some type of way when it comes to him. In any case who I can say I'm glad God put in my life is my big brother, Jose. He was there like a dad. He slow danced with me at my 15. He was there to teach me to have the love for salsa music and classic rock. He taught me how to love the great outdoors and the beach. I have fond memories of my mom, him and his friends going to Galveston and having an amazing time. This was when I was like 8 or 9, can you believe I still remember that? He also struggled with addiction to alcohol so he also taught me how it is to be human and have things to work on. He is so many years sober now and he runs a support group. So proud of him. And even though I can't say he was a perfect brother he is a great person over all and I'm go glad that even though God didn't give me a perfect dad he was there for me as a father figure. Another reason to trust in God's plan. This song always reminds me of him...Hotel California by the Eagles...sending you love and light, Bro. Love you so much!!

-G

How bad do you want it?

So I'm pretty sure that I mentioned that I think of Joel Osteen as my pastor. A lot of the time when I listen to him something just clicks in my mind and I just get it. Well this time was no exception. I was listening to some of the latest sermons and I found one that really hit it home for me. So it was about going for what you want. He told about how his grandmother and grandfather were together for many years. He said his grandmother chewed tobacco. He told how the grandfather asked her and begged her and even offered her money to stop and she did not. He went to be with the lord before her. Later she wanted to get remarried and thought that is she still did tabaco no one would marry her. So she stopped, just like that. Why? Because there was something she wanted and knew that if she didn't then it would not happen. So I asked myself... I want to get married some day. I might not want any kids but I would like to have the option of getting married. In any case I asked myself...what area of my life can I look at that there is room for improvement? my health is what I came up with. I do not work out even though it is something that could help me immensely. It will help me with stress, not to mention the diabetes. I would be running outside so it will also help me with getting to hear God and be closer to Him. I would be able to pray to him in the open. Maybe I could hear him better. I think that is the only thing I can work on. I try ever day to be a good person and that is all I'm missing. If I do what I can maybe God can do what He can to make things happen for me. Plus, I was thinking I have such great friends that why wouldn't I want share more time with them? Being healthy isn't just about you, it's also about spending more time with the people you love, right? So this week I have been to the park two times. I walked two miles both days. Anyway it's only going to be getting better from here... I also bought new wireless head phones to help me get fit with music. Anything to help me want to go to the park...lol.