So today is father's day and I don't do much for this day because I didn't really have a quality dad I can be all proud of and frankly, it sucks. I wish that I would have had a dad that I could say wow he was amazing...he taught me this and that, blah blah blah. But no instead I have a man that a one point said I wasn't even part of the family. And now that same man comes to my house asking to use my computer...So I have been holding in some feelings and I don't know when I'm going to allow myself to deal with these feelings towards him. I struggle with thinking, yes I should tell him off and then I think why should I? It's been 38 years and he never thought it was important to have a heart to heart with me, why should I care enough to do that? But then I think it's not for him it's for ME. Will I ever get to have the strength to actually cuss his fucking ass out like I been wanting to for years? IDK! I been wanting to kick his ass out of my house for years. I ask God to help me with my unresolved shit, obsessively I feel some type of way when it comes to him. In any case who I can say I'm glad God put in my life is my big brother, Jose. He was there like a dad. He slow danced with me at my 15. He was there to teach me to have the love for salsa music and classic rock. He taught me how to love the great outdoors and the beach. I have fond memories of my mom, him and his friends going to Galveston and having an amazing time. This was when I was like 8 or 9, can you believe I still remember that? He also struggled with addiction to alcohol so he also taught me how it is to be human and have things to work on. He is so many years sober now and he runs a support group. So proud of him. And even though I can't say he was a perfect brother he is a great person over all and I'm go glad that even though God didn't give me a perfect dad he was there for me as a father figure. Another reason to trust in God's plan. This song always reminds me of him...Hotel California by the Eagles...sending you love and light, Bro. Love you so much!!
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