My new life...and trusting in God

So about a month ago it was my last day at the job I had spent basically all my adult life at.  Sixteen years...So on Sunday morning I was thinking about it. I thought wow at this time on any regular Sunday I would be already stressed about how only hours would pass and I would have to go to a job I hate. But last Sunday I was relived. I just figured out I don't hate Mondays anymore. I look forward to everyday now. Yes I have no steady income and I still have bills to pay but I'm so happy. So I feel like a lot of my life I have had to learn a lot of lessons. And one of the lessons I have recently learned was to trust God. I know it sounds crazy because as a Christian that is probably the most important thing in life. And I knew that but I never really had to prove it. Now I'm proving it by leaving a place so familiar and safe to me. I took this step because I was miserable. I needed this. Also I just came off a cruise. I meet a few people on this cruise that I felt God placed in my path. I meet this guy named Shun and this other man named Dave. Shun told me the most important thing once I told  him my plan was the follow through, Dave said that if I was going to work from home the most important thing was to be disciplined. So this week I have started to have sort of a schedule and I been trying to stick to it. I get up and get ready, have breakfast and then go in my office and work (EBAY). I have done that three out of four days this week. I'm not perfect but with time I will have that down. Also I remember telling my self that if I was going to quit I would need to make it a priority to work out or at least walk. I also have done that three times with week. So progress after a much needed month off. But what I can say to wrap this up and that I'm enjoying my new life. Resting and spending time with my mom is awesome. I'm trying to be open to all that God may send my way. Trusting that he will send me in the right direction...

16 years and Counting on God To Catch Me...

So since I was 22 I been at this here job in banking. Last week on Thursday I made the sporadic decision that I'm not sure if I will live to regret. I put in my two week notice with no new job lined up. The truth is that I have been unhappy for years and I was going to be there unhappy until something broke. My spirt or my body. Another truth is that I fear that my body might be. So I need time to recuperate.  I need time to be with God and to talk to Him so He can guide me to where I have to be. I know that I was supposed to be there for a season of my life because I had a lot of favor with God being there. But I feel burned out, like I have given it all I have and there cant squeeze any more out of me because I just can't take it anymore. I'm sad about it a little because there was a time that I thought that I was going to retire from that place. That was years ago but I'm excited about the brand new world that is opening up. The time I'm going to be spending with my mom. The time I will be doing the things I want to do. Like traveling and enjoying life before I get back to work or go back to school. Honestly I don't remember being so happy. I know that whatever God tells me to do I will rock at it. I'm a fast learner and I can do anything if I put my mind to it. And I if for whatever reason I'm doing the wrong thing than I embrace it because this time I'm gonna have with my mom is going to be worth it. As far as money I'm gonna continue to do my Ebay stuff and that should be enough to get by. So I should be fine no problem. I feel good about it and I'm happy everday cus now it's like I'm counting down to it. The day I walk out and then I'm free...OMG! It's been a long time coming. I'm counting on God that He will catch me...

Marshall...

So I made another mistake...Fuck me when I am going to learn? But you know what's funny this time it was weird because I felt like I was trusting my instincts. It wasn't like it was a long time this time but it was really real, at least for me. I felt like I could trust him and I had nothing to worry about. I will always remember him as the guy that told me the sweetest thing any one ever said to me. He said " If I had a brewery you would not have to work anymore." He had heard me complaining about my job and knew I wanted to stay home. It was so funny because even though there were no titles sometimes I felt like were together. When I looked in him eyes I saw him. Or so I thought. I know God does everything for a reason and I never want to ask him why I just want to trust this is for the best. I have to say though there was a day where he was next to me and I felt peace. Doesn't the bible say something about following peace? So I did find a silver lining in all this...About a month ago I saw someone at the bar I used to love. It was a whole coincidental thing and all I can say was that it was orchestrated by all might God. In any case, I didn't feel what I though I was going to feel. I though I was going to be devastated. But because (we will call him Marshall) I felt grateful that he was in my life so I could be strong enough to show him that I was over it, FINALLY! So I guess having Marshall in my life did that and it was good. And actually I learned to tell my feelings like I had not done, ever. I was more open and honest with Marshall than anyone I had ever been before and for me it was amazing! It was freeing and having said that I also have peace. Peace because there is no instance that I lied to be someone I'm not and I have peace because I did everything I could to try. But if there is another lesson here is that you cannot try for two people. You can only give your 100% and if the other person doesn't reciprocate then it was not the right fit. I will say this: I will miss Marshall. I will miss his smile, candor, sweetness, his boyish warmth and the peace I once felt just hanging out with him on my couch. I hope he finds what he is looking for. Sending him much Love and Light...


-G

Father's Day...

So today is father's day and I don't do much for this day because I didn't really have a quality dad I can be all proud of and frankly, it sucks. I wish that I would have had a dad that I could say wow he was amazing...he taught me this and that, blah blah blah. But no instead I have a man that a one point said I wasn't even part of the family. And now that same man comes to my house asking to use my computer...So I have been holding in some feelings and I don't know when I'm going to allow myself to deal with these feelings towards him. I struggle with thinking, yes I should tell him off and then I think why should I? It's been 38 years and he never thought it was important to have a heart to heart with me, why should I care enough to do that? But then I think it's not for him it's for ME. Will I ever get to have the strength to actually cuss his fucking ass out like I been wanting to for years? IDK! I been wanting to kick his ass out of my house for years. I ask God to help me with my unresolved shit, obsessively I feel some type of way when it comes to him. In any case who I can say I'm glad God put in my life is my big brother, Jose. He was there like a dad. He slow danced with me at my 15. He was there to teach me to have the love for salsa music and classic rock. He taught me how to love the great outdoors and the beach. I have fond memories of my mom, him and his friends going to Galveston and having an amazing time. This was when I was like 8 or 9, can you believe I still remember that? He also struggled with addiction to alcohol so he also taught me how it is to be human and have things to work on. He is so many years sober now and he runs a support group. So proud of him. And even though I can't say he was a perfect brother he is a great person over all and I'm go glad that even though God didn't give me a perfect dad he was there for me as a father figure. Another reason to trust in God's plan. This song always reminds me of him...Hotel California by the Eagles...sending you love and light, Bro. Love you so much!!

-G

How bad do you want it?

So I'm pretty sure that I mentioned that I think of Joel Osteen as my pastor. A lot of the time when I listen to him something just clicks in my mind and I just get it. Well this time was no exception. I was listening to some of the latest sermons and I found one that really hit it home for me. So it was about going for what you want. He told about how his grandmother and grandfather were together for many years. He said his grandmother chewed tobacco. He told how the grandfather asked her and begged her and even offered her money to stop and she did not. He went to be with the lord before her. Later she wanted to get remarried and thought that is she still did tabaco no one would marry her. So she stopped, just like that. Why? Because there was something she wanted and knew that if she didn't then it would not happen. So I asked myself... I want to get married some day. I might not want any kids but I would like to have the option of getting married. In any case I asked myself...what area of my life can I look at that there is room for improvement? my health is what I came up with. I do not work out even though it is something that could help me immensely. It will help me with stress, not to mention the diabetes. I would be running outside so it will also help me with getting to hear God and be closer to Him. I would be able to pray to him in the open. Maybe I could hear him better. I think that is the only thing I can work on. I try ever day to be a good person and that is all I'm missing. If I do what I can maybe God can do what He can to make things happen for me. Plus, I was thinking I have such great friends that why wouldn't I want share more time with them? Being healthy isn't just about you, it's also about spending more time with the people you love, right? So this week I have been to the park two times. I walked two miles both days. Anyway it's only going to be getting better from here... I also bought new wireless head phones to help me get fit with music. Anything to help me want to go to the park...lol.

Family, Friends and New Years Resolutions...

Ok so this new year I planned to make more of an effort to be with my family more. I have family in another city in this state and then I also  have another half sister that lives in another state. So I had in my mind that I wanted to put more of an effort to do more things with them as my love language is quality time. So when do I call that quits? I mean when is it that I stop trying and let them reciprocate? I feel like I'm trying and I'm not getting anything back. So I would not like to cut my losses but then I feel like I should because a relationship can not be all one sided, right? Plus, I have to say I must thank the good Lord that I have an amazing group of friends. I can count on them to be there for me like they were family. Maria has been there for almost 30 years. I have Chryl that I have known for going 20 years. I have Judy that I have known for a while but just recently got to be so close to. Elizabeth is one of the most sweetest people I have meet and I hope we grow as good friends. I have my Mom that is my best friend in the whole wide world.  I don't want to force anything with any one. Stuff like that used to bother me I used to think Why don't they want me in their life? Why does it seem like I'm intruding...? But now I'm ok with the way it is. I'm me and not to be conceded or anything but I'm a great friend. I always try to do good things for people if I can. I have taken vacation time to take care of people and I have taken people on vacation. I'm not stingy with what I have. I try to live my life by the golden rule. But I can't force anything with anyone. I can not make someone want to try. It is what it is. So for now that's the way things are...The only thing I can ask God is to guide them and keep them safe.

My NYC trip...

So my little sister just turned 30 last weekend. We went to go celebrate her birthday over to NYC cause she lives there. It was so much fun. I think I remember writing in my bucket list that I wanted to live there for a year...umm I don't know if that will happen. Maybe when I wrote that I had forgot how hectic it is. I mean I like it but to live there for a year...IDK. But aren't these pictures really pretty? I took the one of the Statute of Liberty on the Staten Island ferry. The other one is from the 86th floor of the Empire state building. From way up there people look like little ants. The sky is beautiful at sunset. You look out there and you feel so small. Anyways I'm happy I'm home.


-G

Messages from God...

I believe that God talks to us. Sometimes it's directly and sometime he uses other people. It's up to us to choose to listen. So lately I been struggling or more like in limbo about something. Not knowing what to do about it, if anything. In any case I spoke to one of my customers. She is a single woman and she says she is thinking of moving away to another country for retirement. She lives with friends here but she says when she gets old she doesn't want to be a burden to them. Julia never got married or had any kids. Fear was the reason. She said she was always thinking ahead and for fear or being hurt she never got married. She told me that in life you have to be more adventurous. Do things you want to do and eat things you want to eat and make memories with people because in the end you don't take things with you when you die. I could not agree more. I love how when I think God isn't around or he had better things to do than so solve my stupid problems he comes through, all you have to do is listen. He is around and sees everything. Open your eyes and ears, he does send you answers it's up to you to pay attention.

Glimpses of Heaven...

 So recently I been giving country music a try and I stumbled upon this song by Kane Brown. It's a beautiful song about a guy that is laying in bed with his girlfriend. He says he doesn't know how heaven could be better than that. Not only do I agree, it made me think of how lucky and great full I should be. Yes it made me think of when that happened to me and even though I'm not with him anymore I get what he means. It made me think of other times where I am in so much happiness I can't even explain it. It also made me think of when I'm surrounded by my friends at game night. There is so much noise but the good kind. The kind that makes you know everyone is involved and present.  I'm in heaven when my mom is happy she is on vacation with me to a place she has never been. So there are moments when heaven is on earth and in this time. The trick is to catch it while it's happening, to record it in our minds so that we can remember it when things are that way. I want to live my life like that, collecting memories so that when I'm old I'll look back and not regret anything. What a beautiful song!!

-G