Claudia's wedding day

So one of my little sister's took the biggest step of her life this weekend. She married the love of her life, Carlos. To tell you the truth before this year Claudia and I were not estrange but we were not close by any means. We we speak but not as mush as I would have wanted to. So in the last couple of months because of the wedding and other stuff we had more communication. Which for me I actually got to get a glimpse of the person she had become since we grew up and moves away from each other.  I have to say she had grown up to be a great person. I love the fact that she found the person she wants to be with for the rest of her life. I know that in the movies and sometimes in life their are times when older sister get mad that the younger one got married first and that for me just isn't the case. I'm really happy for her because she deserves to be happy. God will send me that person when he's good and ready and mean time I can work on being a better person and walking with Him. Since I'm crafty, I decided to make the favors. I made two different types. I already made a video on the original design but I still yet have to make another video on the updated design and the second design. I was also the makeup artist at the wedding so I did three face. I did the bride the minister( my other sister) and the maid of honor. It turned out great even though my airbrush machine decided to go on the fritz and not work for the event. Luckly I few back up plans like any good makeup artist should. I hope that my sister will be able to show me the professional pictures soon so that I can post the pictures to my portfolio blog. In doing the makeup for the wedding I really had a good time, I loved the fact that I got to make some people look beautiful on a really special  day. I was a part of that. I was proud both for my sister but also because I loved this job. I know for sure it make me feel happy on the inside to know that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life and I love it. One day I'm not sure when because only God knows when I will be a freelance makeup artist and I know I am great at it. While I was making my Melissa the hair dresser for the wedding ( Justine) mentioned to me that she thought that I was better than the makeup artist that works with her her the salon. I was like wow, I'm better that her? I was stunned and happy at the same time. Well anyways this was just supposed to be a quick update and it's long now so keep on the look out for more videos about that day....

Fat, sick and nearly dead

So I saw this movie on Netflix about a week ago. It's about this Australian guy in his late thirties or early forties. I'm sorry I didn't pay enough attention to his age but anyways. The point of the movie is that he is making a documentary about his journey of fasting on juice for 60 days. So basically he doesn't eat solid food for 60 days. When I first heard that I though this guy has to be nuts that can't be healthy. We as it turns out that he was pretty sick he had high blood pressure and this auto Immune disease  which at any moment could break him out in hives. Before he started this fasting he was taking a lot of medications for all this condition I think I recall him saying like 8 pills a day or something of the sort. Well for the first month he stayed in and around New York I think it was because he had to be supervised by his doctor. But the he began on this road try where he meet many people that he interviewed at random, telling them his story. Well as time in the movie progressed you could see what was happening to him he started losing weight in the first week. In any case the moral of the story was that I was inspired to do this too. OK not as extreme as this dude but I have been replacing at least one meal a day with juice. I put all kinds of fruits and veggies in it and drink it down. In the morning I have been having a sweet one of apples or oranges. And in the evening I have been having one with more tomatoes and veggies in it. One this I have began to notice is that I have less headaches. I used to never get them but more recent I was having to carry pills for it or some type of medication in my purse for it. But since the juicing less headaches in fact I think I only remember having one this week. Plus I feel I have more energy. That's always a plus. My mom says she sees a difference which I don't see it in my clothes yet but as I used to this more and more I know I will. I like this new kick I'm on. It's like I can feel that I'm getting more and more alert if that makes any sense. I went to the doctor recently and I don't think I got all of a good health report so I make this transition into a healthier life style I hope my body starts to catch up with what my mind already knows which is that it's time for a change and the faster I get there that happier I will be.

To have and to hold

" The most important relationship you have in your life is the relationship you have with yourself because no matter what happens you will always be with yourself."- Diane Von Furstenberg. So I have been watching a lot of netflix lately. (Elvia convinced me to get it even though other people raved about it- I love it now.) I have been watching The Hills and The City and some of those episodes are so familiar. These dramas happen in real life. There were a couple of episodes there that I really related to what these girls went through. LC's  feelings towards Jason the coming and the going in and out of  her life. The surprise she got when he had been hanging out with her after his stint in rehab and how she thought just for a min, that he was talking to her because he wanted to get back with her but really he just wanted to be friends. Yeah, I'm vaguely familiar with that feeling. Lately I have been feeling weird, like health has been on my mind more and more. I have also been thinking about having that desire to be with someone. Like not wanting to be alone anymore. Feeling like I want someone in my life to have and to hold. But all those feelings I just think about myself and the last time I got really hurt. I wasn't cool at all and at times I wonder when or even if I will get over it. But then I think it's been too much time I have to come out of this rut I'm in. Not every guy is the same, there are good guys out there. When I think about my desire to have someone I think about why hasn't someone appeared in my life yet? I can't help to think what's the matter with me? Then I think about my weight and I think if there was something that I would want to change about myself -it's that. I don't want to sound conceded by I know I'm pretty but I would be prettier if I was thinner (and healthier). So I bought a bike and I'm trying to ride it every other day. I just think I'm done trying to work on the emotional part of my self. I have to accept it for what it is. The guy that I though was the love of my life wasn't and I have to get over it. I have to know that there is someone out there for me and God's gonna step in any day now. Till then I should just be concerned about getting to a healthy weight and keeping happy, and having fun with my friends.

How easy is success?

So as I mentioned before that I am a member of audible.com where you pay a monthly fee and you get a credit which you can use to purchase one or probably millions of books on the site. Well since I'm done with The four hour work week  I had to select another one. So I picked Napoleon Hills Think and grow rich.  I just barely stared it and I think I already know what it's about. From just the two first chapters it talks about people that have been so success full and how they got there. What I have caught from the first two chapters is that the formula to being rich is to desire to be rich (being obsessed with having money and how your going to get it)+ persistence = success. I half way read another book that was similar in though to this one. But to tell you the truth I just didn't buy it. But then again maybe it didn't happened for me at that time because I was looking for a more complicated formula. Sometimes the answer we are looking for is right there in front of our face but we think it can't be that because it's too simple. What I'm going to do it try it. What could happen? where I  am now is worse than the failure of it not working. So far I'm liking that it's full of stories of real people. People who have used this formula and had it work for them. As for me I love that this book give me an idea to preoccupy my mind instead of thinking what happens if I can't do it. I should be thinking how I am going to feel when I have already made it. Let's see how it turns out.

 

Frustrated with software!!

Man, this whole new computer thing is cool because it's new but then again it sucks because of this new pc I had to buy another more updated version of the video editing software I was using. It's a bit more complicated than the one I had. I hate having to learn new software! It's asking me for activation code whice it never gave me... a while ago I was so scared because I wasn't sure that the camera I'm using was going to be able to import into the software because I had tried one of my other videos and it didn't because it didn't have the program I was running or some s***. I don't know why the h*** I'm going to be able to make and edit another video, plus I have to learn more shortcuts because the other ones may not work. What a pain in the a**!! I have already made a list of the videos I want to make for when I actually get back on Youtube. But who knows when that will be. I can say that this particular software is so hard to learn it has seriously taken me like three years to just scrach the surface of what it could do. And now I have to learn a new version.... :(  Don't be surprised if the next time you see me in video I have less hair just in case I decided to pull some of it out from frustration....lol

If it's not one this it's another

Yesterday my mom told me that when she went out side to water the garden the main water valve was leaking. Well yeah it turns out that the people that made the house didn't put a the right type of glue to mend two types of PVC together and it was leaking. WTF! Man I swear if it's not one think it's another thing. The good this is that I have very observant neighbors. The are just some cool people. One of the told me about it and the other one fixed it. That was so cool of them! I don't regret making the decision to buy my house but sometimes I do think, man it would have been better had I had a man around to at least help me fix s*** when it went wrong. Thank God I have Great neighbors...

Originally posted to Myspace blog: 09/12/2009 : Deal Breakers...

I have recently had a few conversation with some of my guy friends lately that made me think about some stuff lately. We talked about guys and how they think real hard about getting in a relationship with a girl that has kids. I guess since I don't have any kids I'm on there side. I talked to this guy that said " I don't want to be a dad to kids that aren't mine". Can I blame the guy?

Originally Posted on Myspace blog: 10/19/2009 : It is true!!

So a while ago a posted a bulletin saying that I found a website in which the state comptroller of TX has some money out there for some people. For instance I had money out there from way back when I used to work at Kroger. I must have not cashed a check or they did not give it to me or something. Anyways even though it was like 10 years ago. I called the number on that website (because I didn't want to put my social security number on that website)and I asked them for the paper work to claim my money. They sent me some forms which I filled out and sent back. It was like a month long wait but I did receive a check from the Texas comptroller of public accounts in the amount of $150.88!!!! that amount was not the whole amount  they did charge like 1% if its over $100.00. I could not tell you why they charge that amount, I'm thinking processing I'm not sure. All I know is that it is true and just if you are wondering this is the website:


http://www.window.state.tx.us/up/

Originally posted on Myspace blog 01/05/2010 : Purgatory on earth...

What is relationship purgatory, you ask. Purgatory(2): a place of suffering, expiation ( wandering freely), or remorse. Thus, relationship purgatory means: repeat mistakes over and over until you better. EI: remain single. Let me tell you it seems like I have been in that hell hole almost all my life! I think I could draw you a map with my eyes closed. But I digress. This year my new year resolutions are to pay off debts, work out a little more, to be closer to God and of course the in inevitable to stay off medication. As it seems the latter might be the hardest to do.lol. With all the crazies running around in the world. Like the guy that makes dates and doesn't keep them. Using he forgot as an excuse...so did your dog eat the paper you wrote our date on?? or the other one who take its out on the first date...WTF???!!! In what world is that acceptable in? other than the porn industry. The only thing I can think of is that I must be looking in the wrong places. Where are the God fearing people at? Church, you say well I'm not so sure about that...When disappointing shit happens like that you can't also help but to try to place a finger upon yourself to see if it something you are doing to cause behavior that is unacceptable. I mean if you keep having the same problem don't you think that in the end you keep picking the wrong people? I was just at the stage of self thought that possessed me to look for some answered of the last devastating broken heart. I contacted the person that could give me the answers. ******** * ***** He wrote back "I just wanted to say that things ended up the way they did because of me. You didn't do anything wrong. It's my fault." So there you heard it from the first person. It wasn't me it was him the whole f****** time!! It does help me cope with the fact that I know that I did the best that I could and It just didn't work because it just wanted meant to be... As sad as all that is. I have to keep going and God help me find what you meant for me.

Originally posted on Myspace blog 01/10/2010 : Moments of favor

You guys already know that Joel always says something that inspires me to write about something. Write a letter or email to a once loved person write something you can open your eyes to God and his works. He was talking about favors that you have not yet seen in your life. To live your life with expectancy, etc. I remember late during the winter of 2008 I was so busy. I was dealing with my job ever so stressful, bought off by another company didn't know about what was going to happen with everything. I knew everything was going to be OK, though. Still dealing with the reversal of roles in my apartment. I had told my mom that she could retire her job because I knew that I could take care of us both. She has worked all her life. It was her time to take a break. Also dealing with a lease expiring soon and feeling like I didn't want to waist my money on renting any more. I started looking for a house. Feeling another frustration because all the houses I looked at were beautiful and that I would love to live in a nice house that was relatively new possibly in Richmond so that I could be away from the hustle and bustle of the city. (I do not know what I was thinking at the time hustle and bustle is a good thing, I think now as long as your house is calm.) Anyways. Plain frustrated. For one I was going at it alone and that in it of it self sucked. I'm looking for a house that I might potential have to live in by myself with the dog. I was also pissed at the Realtor because I had put in so many contract on houses that were in my price range of 100k. Keep in mind I'm a single person that loves to travel and I didn't want to pick a house that was too cheap and I would have to worry about or a house that was too expensive to where I wouldn't be able to take trip as my usual nature. I had gone to see this one brick house in Richmond in a newer neighborhood, two stories the layout was pretty the master was downstairs three bedrooms up, and foreclosed at 102k. I was super excited I had the Realtor draw up the papers as soon as he could and I signed them on the dotted line. In a week or so I was driving home from a restaurant I had dinner at. The phone rings. It was the Syed. He said they gave the house to someone else. At that moment, I was crushed. My dream of living in that house was gone, just like that. I could not help but sob in the car. I was crying so hard I think that guy at the light was staring at me like who killed her dog? lol. I know you guys are going to think it's crazy but as a sobbed I talked to God out load and said God when are you going to make this happen for me? When am I going to find my house? When? When? When? I fell silent for a moment and he responded (not literal) but it was like having a thought in my mind that I didn't think up that came from my tummy. He said "Have Patience" Right when I heard that I stopped crying. And just said OK. I took a deep breath wiped off my tears and accepted what I was told. A few weeks later I was talking to my Realtor and he said to me "In the area you are looking and the price range you are looking for it's going to be almost impossible to find. You need to look else where." I took his advice. I looked in the zip code that was right next to the one that I was currently living in and found some houses that I had not even know where there. Some houses built in 2006. I made a appointment to meet up with Syed and see them. It was early in the morning about 9 o'clock. The sun was out and bright not a cloud in the sky. The moment I stepped in my house I knew. It was bright and sunny in there the two rows of windows let me see and hear the Hallelujahs God was singing from heaven for me and my house. (I'm not trying to boust about my house just trying to tell you how great  God is.) I always wanted a big (2199 sqft), open concept house. It has arches and a 20 foot ceiling over the living room, two stories, granite counter top kitchen, tile in the kitchen, Berber carpet, whirlpool tub in the master, crown molding galore, three bed rooms up stairs(Its just me and my mom I don't need 4 but apparently I need stairs to tone my ass, lol), in a gated community. And that is not the best, the best was that the hour that we went to go see it it was 102k dollars. I had Syed draw up the contract and bring it to the office immediately. The best part about it was that God was not through making me see how he had already lined up the greatest house I could have imagined for me he was going to go beyond my expectations. I was so happy that I found that house I told my co workers about it and they said they wanted to see in on HAR. One hour later after I went to go see it it had come down in price!! From 102k to 85k!! Syed came for me to sign the papers I sent him away to draw up new ones for the lower price. On Feb. 18th 2009 I became a proud first time home owner!! God was guiding my steps all the way here.  So the moral of the story is that there are moments in life of favor waiting for all of us. I believe that God guide us through it all. We have free will but a moment in favor will catch up to you and show you that you are important to Him. He does look out for, opens the right doors, closes the wrong doors for a reason. The reason is probably because there is something he wants to give you that is better than even you can imagine. 

Originally Posted to Myspace blog 01/22/2010: Down for whatever

So lately I have been thinking and learning a lot through other people's lives. So I have this close friend that got married somewhat of a young age. And yeah that's cool for some people cause if you find someone that you can grow with and they are down for whatever, roll with whatever life throws at you, through thick and thin that's awesome. I get that but for more that half of the people that are now married will end up splitting up. Anyways so my friend loves the person he is with I don't doubt that for one minute but he has found out that the girl hes with isn't open minded about a lot of things. Not only about little things like parting but also on raising their kids and each others parents and on top of all that the financial situation doesn't help at all. As I hear people's problems I always think to myself what would I do if that happen to me? What could I say or do so that would communicate how important this issue is to me? I give advise if it's asked but they are people in committed relationships and the whole nine and have to take my advise with a grain of salt because I have no authority what so ever  I'm damn near 30 and still single. So in any case I don't want to be Negative Nancy, but I don't think it's gonna work out. (BTW I never say to leave the person, I always say to work things out because I'm a romantic at heart) Isn't it fucked up that that's the way life is sometimes? even if two people love each other, even if they have ties that bind like kids, that doesn't mean they should stay together. But for me being single it makes me really wonder about the kind of person that I want to end up with. I know for sure we all change as time goes on. Our life makes us bump paths with people that shape us and into the people that we become. And even as adults you can hear profound things from strangers if you are open to hearing what people have to say. What I'm saying is that it's hard to find someone that you can trust to be as open minded as you are or at least trust to try to understand where your coming from. I guess it is all about communication, talking about what works for you and what doesn't about anything and everything. All I can say is that it's an eye opener...

Originally Posted on Myspace blog: 01/31/2010: Thanks!

So you may or may not know my 30th party was last night at my house. Man I remember thinking when I was younger that when I was thirty I would be so old. I must say its nothing like what I expected. I have learned a lot in my life but the most things I have learned from I know its gonna sound weird but I have learned the most from my mistakes. Because of those mistakes I found out who I am. And who loves me for me. My friends and family have been there for me when times where hard. Like when I was in hospital about to die, when my doctor told me he thought I had cancer, when my heart was so broken that I thought I would never laugh again. Bottom line I feel like the first part of my life is over. And the second part of my life is starting but I know now who my friends are now. I love myself more than I have in a long long time. I know that the second part of my life is going to be better than first because I have such a strong bond with them. God couldn't have given me better friends. Thank you for coming to my party and making a special day for me!! I will be posting pics and maybe video later.

Originally posed on Myspace blog 04/15/2011: 6 Years !

So it's that time again when I have to write about my life and think about how I could be dead right now.... Yeah I know what a bummer to think about the day I got shot. I guess now it's like a tradition for me to write about it. I'm not sure if you know or not but six years ago today I was shot in the chest. Yeah it was a bitch but I got through it only with the grace of God. After that day I can complain all I want but that is still the worst/best day of my life. You might wonder why? well yeah that happened to me and while the memories of what happened are fading the lessons learned that day aren't and will never fade. Bottom line not all people in the world have good in them some people will do whatever they have to do to get what they want. I do thank God that he gave me a good attitude to get through it and be a better person for it but I do see why some people are so bitter. Its hard to learn that lesson in life. Because you always grow up being told everyone has a little bit of good in them. Bullshit whoever said that never meet everyone! You know sometimes I wonder about what happened to those three guys, where they could be and if they ever got what they had coming to them. You know that Karma shit. I wonder if they are in jail or perhaps dead?  Only God knows what of them. One part of me hopes they asked for forgiveness so that nothing like what they did to me happens to anyone in their family so they would not have to suffer like I suffered with the colostomy bag for a whole year of my life. But then another part of my wish they rot in hell for what they did and yet another part of me just doesn't give a shit because I know God will take care of them if he has not already done so. I guess I must be tired or grouchy today, I'm not being my usual cheerful, grateful self on my anniversary. I think I am I bit tired. I am happy though to be alive, to be healthy, to be loved and to have my family and my friends and my job. So I guess I try not to complains as much as I have recently. That's what I'll be trying to work on for a while I guess...I don't have insight on life today...

RIP Dr. Kevorkian

When I first found out about this Dr. that was performing human euthanasia, I know I was very young. It was very controversial back then which it still is. Since this is my blog I'm going to tell you what I think about it from my prospective. From my frame of reference ie. having had a long history with medical issues. I can understand why people might just want to give up on their lives. Pain tolerance varies from person  to person. I Know I have a high tolerance for pain but not everyone does. When I was shot in the chest I don't remember the first two weeks I was in the hospital because the doctors had me in a medically induced coma. I for one am happy that they did that. I do remember that after one of the many many surgeries I had I came of it in so much pain that even though I couldn't talk I was shaking and groaning because I was in so much pain. I seriously don't remember anytime in my life having so much pain. (they gave me fentanyl immediately, Thank God ). How this relates to my opinion is that if there are people in this world that have that much kind of pain going on all the time with no hope of ever getting better, in that case I understand why they might not want to live. Religion is always what makes everything so complicated. A large majority of people believe that if you kill yourself you will be going to hell. What if the person already thinks they are in hell because of all the pain that they are in? Just for a moment let's say that there is no heaven and there is no hell. Let's say you just die and that it. Is it still hard to approve of what this man did? In the case of  Thomas Youk he had Lou Garrets disease. He wasn't able to move hardly and was in fear that he would die by drowning in his own saliva.To Thomas Dr. K  was a hero! He gave him dignity to die how and when he wanted. Those are extreme cases but they happen. Who are we to stand in to say this person has to suffer through this entrapment of your soul in a body that doesn't work any more? It's kind of weird thinking that this guy is dead. If we could talk to him now , I wonder if the having seen what life after dead looks like, would the Dr have regretted injecting Thomas or just his position on the subject at all? Only he and his maker know, as for me I didn't see him as a bad guy. He gave people the choice to be able to have a say when, where and how they wanted to go. People that might have had years and years for suffering to go. RIP Dr.

Review: The Four Hour Work Week By Timothy Ferriss

I "read" this book and man does this book open your eyes about the whole world. I was attracted to this book just by the title but after reading this book it actually made me mad. Because he talks about our life here as Americans. He makes a lot of sense. This guy really makes you think about how your life could be if you really didn't have a care in the world. You could be lying on some beach somewhere sipping on a pina colada for all you know, but no your sitting at home writing a review on a book about someone who is doing just that. Working from half ways around that world somewhere. I loved this book because it gives you an option. It give your resources to start making plans so that you could replicate the same actions he did. It seems so easy too... It was an amazing book. It put all these ideas in my head about starting my own business online and how to keep the end in mind as he says all through this book (he means where you have an Internet company that runs itself). This book is about freedom and how to get there. I feel it sort of reminds me of the matrix in a way. He is like Morpheus asking about which pill would you want to take the red or the blue? Once you read this book it will put a fire under your ass to get up and DO something. It's awesome , I recommend it to anyone that has ever HATED their job and wanted to be their own boss. This book is for you!

What had happened was...

Hey guys, so where have I been? I have been in Internet HELL. So what had happened was that my PC finally went out on me!! That frigging thing. To tell you the truth I don't think that I will be buying that name brand computer EVER! Well what happened was that I had that particular computer for like 5 years already. I knew it was on its last legs because it was running so slow and I know it was my fault because I was using video editing software as you all should know for my YouTube channel. So I knew someone was up. I had build one with dell because that's the kind of computer I already had. But then I went this electronic store by my house and they told me some info that help me out a lot so I that's when I decided that I would not be purchasing a new dell.  So anyways,  one minute I was opening up one of my emails from a company we all know and love and all of a sudden my McAffe say it detected an Trojan horse and down it went. So everything on it was gone. Although its still ok because I had backed up a lot of my stuff. All in all it was still OK I knew I needed a new one anyway. I just thought I might at least have a couple of months to save. But it's whatever. So the GREAT news is that I'm online again.  I just have to buy the update version of my video editing which will be very very soon. And I will be back making at least one video per week. I have to say I'm loving this new one. It's super fast and an AWESOME deal. This was the best buy I could find all over the net believe me I was looking for a while (like months and months prior to this) . It has an Intel Core i7-2600 processor, 3.40GHz , 8GB DDR3 SD RAM system memory, 1.5TB SA TA hard drive.If you don't know what that is don't worry about it. It just means it's pretty sweet. Plus I didn't mind that it didn't come with a monitor because I just hooked it up to one of my 42 in TVs, it's bad ass!! I know I'm such a geek, I get all happy with PC specs. Anyways I'll write later. Gotta go enjoy my new PC...

My New Babies

Here are the new loves of my life. They are soooo cute, soft cuddly affectionate. I love them so much! They were born on 04/04/2011. Four girls and one boy. They are all black except for two they are black and white. Only one was white and black when she was born but after the first week she started to change color to be black white and a bit light brown. She got it from her grandmother who was light brown all over. They are the sweetest cutest puppies and I'm sure I'm gonna cry when my friends take them home to their kids. But I just can't keep five puppies. That would be a total of seven dogs! But I know I'm gonna find a great home for them!

Anniversary Blog: 7 Years

So I'm writing this year's anniversary blog early quite frankly because I'm scared I'm going to forget. Plus today I spent the day at one of my friends house. She was one of only ones that were I could say was really there for me during all that time in the hospital. Oh, on my youtube channel I really have never told yall about why I always celebrate April 15th. Well when I was 24 after coming home from grocery shopping with my mom, some guys (3) wanted to take my purse and in one second my life was affected by a decision I made. I fought back. One of the guys shot me. Yeah, I know what your thinking, WHAT? yep, that's what I thought...But trust me, I have the scars to prove it. I was really sick for a while but through the grace of God I'm here. In the seven years that have passed I always take that day to recap what I have learned since then. I learned that you should try to make that most of what you have. To keep going even if your sad. There are evil people in the world. You should trust your gut. Many many things. That I can help people and that I matter. That God does things for a reason and that I'm special. If I weren't then I would not be here. I know that if not for the shot at close range I survived or maybe for that "cancer" doctors told me I had two years later. I know there are a lot of things you guys don't know about me. But what you will find out about me is that I'm a fighter. I always have been and always will be. God taught me that. Sometimes I look back at all the stuff and I think there's something I have to do but I don't know what it is. But all I know is that I'm not going to give up. Today I remember how much I love my mom. You know what, I remember most? For that month that I was in the hospital , she never cried. I cried, I guess waking up not being able to talk and with tubes all over would make any one cry. Looking back, I remember how dark that time of my life was. Do you know that for a whole year I didn't go out. I didn't go not even to any get together with my friends or anything. I had a colostomy (for #2) bag for a year. It was awful. But I guess that one of the things that has changed this year was that I was able to tell a room full of people at church (strangers) about what happened. I talked openly about what happened to strangers... I was taking this class at church and we were sharing stuff about forgiveness. They were talking about how we needed to forgive to be forgiven. Of course this was not the first time that I have know that I'm challenged in that area...lol. But you know what popped in my head that day? Why was I able to forgive these three guys for what they did to me but yet was not able to forgive one someone from my past? My excuse is that emotional wounds are harder to heal. Sometime I feel like I'm the one who cares more if he's forgive. Because he clearly doesn't care. My pastor says that when you forgive you let a prisoner go, yourself. I always say that forgiveness is what I need to work on and that's still the case...who knows when I'll be conquer that... God only knows!

How do people do it for 40-50 years?

When I wake up every morning I think " Oh, God give me strength". Lately I have been in this rut where I don't hardly want to do anything. And I just do what I have to do that day and not much else. I've been "reading" this book lately, it's called "The Four Hour Work Week". I forget who it's by, but anyways the guy, I have to say makes a damn good argument. He tales about him self and what made him be the person he is and have the thoughts that he has about life, basically. His theory is that the "American Dream" is a crappy idea. Most of us know that to be we work for 40-50 years and then when we retire we get to do what we want. Well, he says that whole idea is flawed from the begging. Why? you ask... well if and when we retire, who's to say you are healthy enough to be go and travel or do what you want to do by the time you are 70 years old? and who is to say that by the time you are 70 you will have enough money to do all the things you want to do. If inflation is eating up your 401k money along with all the other market crashes there are now a days. So his philosophy on life is to take sabbaticals from it. Like take vacations when and where you want, when and where you want. Take a month off to do whatever. You know, that kind of thing. He started an internet business that could be run remotely from his computer from anywhere on earth. Another great point I read in his book which I did know but I didn't really put it together as well as he, he states that here in America very few American's live well on 40k per year. But if you were to  have those same 40k a year in another place in the world you could defiantly live about average there. Which is so true if you think about all the people you know what do they talk about? As for me, the people I know always are talking about buying a new car or a new house or some expensive thing...but if we are buying all this stuff what are we giving up for the stuff? Time. How long does it take to pay off a house or a car? wouldn't you much rather be sitting on the a tropical beach somewhere instead of at working to pay something off? I LOVE this book. Now all I have to do is find a business I can run remotely from pc...that way I can quite my job and become the world traveler I have always wanted to be. Well till then, I'll be open to new business ideas...lol.

Book Review: Straigh Talk No Chaser :How to Find, Keep, and Understand a Man

I recently " read " this book because I had heard from my sister that his first book " Act like a lady , think like a man" was good. I had just read bits and pieces of the book while at a borders by my house a couple of times and from what I read then, it seemed to be interesting. In any case this is my honest review of it. I loved this book. It's simple to the point and concise message. It can teach you to identify in what stage a man is in and look at the bigger picture. A lot of girls my self included have made many mistakes and it talks about those mistakes. I liked it also because he doesn't try to tell you that he didn't make any if fact there are a lot of times in the book when he states he has made many mistakes also. But he learned from them which is what we all should do. He talks about how his first marriage didn't work because he was too young to get married. His theory is that men have to have the three p's before they can even think of getting in something serious like marriage. He says the three p's are provide, protect and profess. He says that providing is just making sure he can get provide for the family that might be having in the future. Protect is that he can keep you safe when you need him. Profess is when he wants and does tell the whole world that he loves you. Steve says that at the beginning you as a woman should know their own power. And that you should take some time to get to know any guys before anything really happens with him. You should ask him questions about him self. Ask about his past relationships and kids if he has any. The more you ask the more clearer the picture should get about what really happened and if he has learned from his mistakes. Basically he goes on to explain and debunk myths we as women here all the time as excuses for why we are single. Since I don't' want to spoil the whole book  I'll just go on to say that I wish this book had come out earlier and I had read this book in my early twenties instead of my early thirties. Its actually teaches you if you listen carefully to identify when you should walk away from people you have no need to be around. Which is what it's supposed to do. Awesome book, Steve Harvey!!

In my thoughts

I think about you all the time. There have been times that I would love to grab the phone and just call you so I can hear your voice on the other end of the line. To just move past this whole not talking phase. But then I think about all the stuff we have been through. Or more like the stuff we put each other through and I think it's for the best that we not be in each others life. Lately I have been watching this show, it's called Being Erica. She has a messed up life and when she ends up in the hospital, this shrink seeks her out. They have weird encounters that lead to her going back in time and her trying to make better decisions in her life. Her theory is that if she had made better decision in life it would be better. Even though it's made up I love it. I could describe it as kind of like Grey's Anatomy but with out all the medical mambo jumbo. It's free on Hulu to watch it. One night I feel asleep thinking about how would my life have been had I never meet you. Would my life be better or worse? I don't exactly remember what I dreamed but when I woke up I didn't like the feeling I got from my dream. You know something? I we don't talk but I hope one day you see this and get to read it. Back when you broke up with me I prayed to God to tell me why you broke up with me and He answered. He said it was because of what you were doing and he gave me a picture of what was going on. I was discussed I have to admit. But that didn't make me love you any less because I was in denial. All in all I wouldn't change anything. I tried too much, even if you wanted to love me you could not. It's not in your nature.We can't fight nature. But all in all like I said I wouldn't change anything. Because we broke up I gave my life to the Lord. Even though I would not say that I have been perfect from then on but it's made me closer to God. All I know that you will never be happy until you accept who you are in front of everyone and yourself most of all. Think about it. I will always love you.