To you

To you,

I heard this song the other day. As soon as I heard it- I thought of you. It talks about how the drinks bring back memories of you and all that we been through... I thought about the last time I saw you. You were with someone else and so was I. I though about how things could have been so different. But then I think, no, things are they way they are for a reason. I trust in God even if I don't know why those things happened. But even if I trust- doesn't help my mind from wondering about what could have been had we ever got our shit together. Maybe next lifetime we will get it right. Maybe...


-Gladis Xiomara

The universe and the signs...

So do you believe that the universe sends you messages? I do. Sometimes they are obvious and sometimes they are not. So I think I'm supposed to be a reseller in this part of my life. I was watching a video the other day and some said something about keeping your head down and just working...I'm not sure I've done that. I know that there have been times in my life that I have felt in the groove that I knew that what I was doing was the right thing. Because everything would come out great. That was a long time ago. But I want that again and that's what I'm chasing at the moment. That feeling where everything just lines up right and I look up and I'm happy and know I'm fulfilling what  I was made for. I crave that right now. Any ways no real lesson in this one just an observation...

Gladis Xiomara

Stuck in Limbo...

So that exactly how I feel...like I'm stuck. Have you ever seen the movie Mannequin? It's with Kim Catrell and Andrew McCarthy. In the begging of that movie Jonathan is trying to find him self. He tries all these jobs before he gets to the window dresser job that he ends up being very good at. Any ways I remember seeing that part of that movie and I feel like I want to do that. So it was meant to be funny but I feel it could do that...Can you see me in a pizza delivery outfit? Or being a gardener? Anyways these couple of months I have been kind of doing that. I love nails and I been doing them but I have only take that ounce a day I can't be doing that 8 hours a day...no. My back starts to hurt so no...I just took up the carpet in my house because I want new tile and I can't do that either... now my house looks like crap cus I have to take up the other part of the house before they can get started. All my body hurts and I only did it for a couple of hours. Well at least I know I can't be a nail tech or a tile installer...lol. I'm lost and I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel yet. Still in limbo...

Loving someone more than you love yourself...

So I have to confess something... I haven't always been such a good person. I have to say that there was one time I was unfaithful to someone. I regret it to this day. I learned a lot about myself then. I learned I'm not a cheater. I learned I'm worth more than that. But let me tell you first how and why it happened. It happened more than ten years ago. I was in a relationship that I did not care for because I was trying to get over someone. I'm not a victim here but looking at it from another angle I was not 100% at fault either. After telling you all this, you can make your own decision of what you think. Ok so here is the tea...I had just had the most devastating break up of my life. I LOVED this man with everything I had. We will call him Kennith. He broke up with me and I guess I understand why. I mean what is the only reason someone breaks up with you? Because they don't love you, right? I know that now. Anyways...in Spanish we have this saying. "Un clavo saca otro clavo" Which means literally one nail takes out another nail. It makes no sense but it means you should get into another relationship to help you forget the past relationship. THE WORST IDEA EVER! Nope, that didn't work at all. For me, I did find someone new very quickly. We will call him Charlie. Charlie was a nice enough guy. He was handsome in his own way. He made a place for me in his life. I really tried to put my heart in it but how could I give my heart out to Charlie when at that point my heart belonged to Kennith? I could not. I needed to give myself time to heal my heart so I could give it a real shot. When my new boyfriend Charlie and I would spend time together I would find myself thinking about Kennith. I was not present with him when we were together. My mind would wonder to think what it would be like to be doing x,y,z activity with Kennith instead. I could not even bring myself to tell Charlie I loved him even though we spent more than a year together.  So this is where I think it was not all my fault. Kennith knew I loved him more than I loved myself at the time. And that's where the problem was. I compromised my integrity, who I am fundamentally to be close to Kennith.  Looking back at it now I have asked God to show me where I went wrong and this was the begging. I feel that I was manipulated because he knew I loved him and he knew I would do anything for him. So I cheated. It only happened once but that doesn't matter, right? It happened. And now I know by doing that there were way more repercussions than that just that act. For one that solidified that Kennith would NEVER see me as a potential mate because now he knew I was capable of being cheater, even if it was with him. Also, that I would take this incident and hold it against myself for a long, long time. Like a recording that would play in my mind to remind me that I was not worthy of love because I had done this to someone. I would think things like I don't deserve to be loved because I cheated and that's probably why God doesn't send my someone. Just stuff like that. I gotta say I learned a lot from all of this. So now when the opportunity arises for me to love someone I always think to myself how am I being treated? How much do I love myself in this situation? What am I willing to put up with? What do I deserve? because bottom line had I loved myself in this, I would never have cheated. After Kennith broke up with me I should have said ok you don't love me anymore and so I'm sad but I accept it and I will heal and go on with my life. That is what I SHOULD have done instead of what I did. Because not only did I hurt myself. I hurt someone else in the process. I regret it with all my heart because yeah Charlie wasn't perfect but he didn't deserve that either. I pray for him often. I pray that Charlie found someone to build the family and life he wanted. He deserved to be love by someone that loved him passionately if I wasn't able to. So now having told you all this, do you still feel like a cheater is always a cheater? For me, having lived it, no I will never cheat again. But what do you think?


-G

Uncoditional Love???

So lately I feel like the universe has been trying to tell me something. Maybe to teach me a lesson of unconditional love. Isn't that the most hard lesson to learn? I feel it is. Why you ask? Well isn't easy to love someone that loves you back? yeah like one of my best friends. I have known her the least amount of time and I love her to death. She is just like me always thinking of other people. Always there to serve someone else. So easy to love. But then I think about another friend I have...He forgot my birthday and sometimes doesn't answer text messages and lies about it. Then I ask God if this person always hurts me why don't you take him from my life? I try to walk away and he comes back. Still more hurt happens. So I now I think is it God trying to teach me unconditional love? So I got to love him even if he hurts my feelings? I got to be my best even if I feel like cussing him out for the latest crap he pulled? I don't know. Is this more about me and patience? I don't know...Maybe I'm reading the signs wrong? Maybe I heard the Lord wrong...I'm just confused. But what I do know is the Lord would not want me to keep suffering, right? What are your thoughts about it?

-G

The house won't fall when the bones are good...

I agree 100%. The bones is our friendship. The bones is our love. The bones are our connection. It's the fact you know there is no one in the world like you or me. The foundation is your word and my word. Say what you mean, mean what you say. The foundation is letting your yes be yes and your nos be no. Our house won't go anywhere if all that is there...

-Gladis Xiomara

It's been 15 years...

It's that time of year again when I give thanks to God that I'm alive. I also try to justify my life was worth saving...So this year has really been interesting. If you would have told me a year ago I would have no job and still be happy I would have told you you're are crazy. So this year I quit my job of 16 years. Something I never thought I would do but honestly I just thought I was wasting my time there. And let's be clear, this time we have on earth is limited. I couldn't just be wasting it somewhere I was miserable. So I had to trust in God that he would lead me to do something more aligned with what He wants me to do. I'm still a little lost. I feel like I'm in the middle of a huge ocean but at least now I found a piece of drift wood to cling to until I find land. I remember that saying about how God never puts you through something you can not handle. I wanted to say that this year as I been here at home another plus to this whole leaving my job thing is that I been able to spend a lot of time with my mom. She is so funny and strong. I remember when I was in the hospital she never cried. Well I never saw her cry. I think about how I'm so fortunate to have her still and how God is keeping her healthy. Usually I have a deeper angle to all of this but honestly this year has been just time to be with God and hearing from Him. It's been about taking a leap of faith to show him that through thick and thin I'm gonna trust in Him to guide me to where he wants me to be and do what He wants me to do for His kingdom. And that is why he saved me from that gunshot. When I talk to Him I ask for guidance in every area of my life. And I know He answers me. I'm looking forward to this year and what it will bring me as I took the biggest leap of faith I have ever taken.

She loves snap chat!

2018 Year Summary...

So it's time again so remember that good, the bad and the ugly about 2018. What was this year all about Gladis Xiomara? Well, let's see what exactly happened? So I learned about forgiveness, about how it feels to swallow your pride and ask for forgiveness. I learned to let go of people. I learned to let people in your life to make new friends. I learned to trust God in health and career. I learned a lot in 2018. So 2018 was about unconditional love. I think now I'm ready to give and receive it. I learned to love myself and trust that God has a plan and His plan is always better than mine. Ok, so I was dating someone that helped me understand things about myself that I might not have known otherwise. I had a lot of pride before. So let's say that I did someone that was kind of childish and later I would be like Yeah I shouldn't have done that. I wouldn't apologize I would wait till the other person would bring it up and not say sorry when I should have said it right when I realized I was wrong. Well, I learned to apologize. Also, I learned to say I'm angry about this issue right away instead of holding the issues in and exploding about it later. I'm becoming an adult! I'm even beginning to forgive my Dad! OMG, I never thought I would say that. I let hope go after 20 years. I threw away something I had been holding on to for 20 years! I also got so angry at work that I let that job go as well! I had been there for 16 years and I had to walk away because I didn't love it anymore. I was not being challenged enough and I was so unhappy. I would wake up during the night and I would think, I only have 3 more hours to be here and then I got to go back there...**** me! Your job should not be like that. You should enjoy it and have fun there. So I gave my two-week notice and have not looked back. I work on my eBay from home now and am happy every day to be at home with my mom and fur babies. I'm thinking to go to nail tech school I went yesterday to look at another school and we shall see how that goes. I mean it's not working for a huge bank and the status that brings you but whatever if I'm gonna be happy to go to work every day making people's nail look good. I'll take it. It should only take like 4 month to do if I go full time so like I said we shall see. Also, I keep learning the same stuff over and over again. This year I learned again that in a relationship if it's a family relationship or a love relationship, you can only try for yourself. The other person HAS to at least come half way. If they don't come halfway you can NOT force any them. They don't want to do for you, care for you, spend time with you, their actions show you right there how they feel. Why is it so hard to make time for people? Because there is no feeling there which is hard to take as the person that wants to get time from them but all I can do is keep moving forward, learn the lesson and keep moving forward. Those are the lesson I learned in 2018. They are amazing lessons and I hope God keeps blessing me because I'm moving towards Him. What about you? What lessons did you learn in 2018?

- Gladis Xiomara