I am a believer that everything happens for a reason. Lately more than ever I have found that to be true. I have been reading some books that have helped me put some pieces of my life together, some thing I never thought I would be able to figure out. This scripture comes to mind: Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding.
When I was about 10 years old I found out the person that I had called Mom all my life till then- wasn't. I found out she was my grandma on my dad's side of the family. We had just moved to Houston and we were living with my "brother" Joe. Brother because that's who I was told he was but really he is my uncle. (Hopefully this will get less complicated as it goes on). Anyway, Joe got mad at my mom one day and just blurred out "why doesn't he help??!! he's her dad anyway!". When I heard that I knew he was talking about my other "brother" Manuel. I started to cry because I know there was no way that my mom was my mom and he was my dad. Sabina , My mom tried to get me to calm down by telling me that Joe was lying and that she was my mom. But the damage was done. I cried because I had been lied to...for ten years they never told me she wasn't my mom. They never told me I was adopted. They never told me Manuel was my real dad. Come to think of it, it was very traumatic finding out that way. But anyways after that I couldn't help but to notice things... At that time my mom, Joe and I lived in the same apartments that Manuel and his family lived in. We would see each other often. And I noticed that he never really treated me like a daughter. He didn't treat me like he did my half sister, Claudia. She was so young I'm sure she doesn't remember. I wasn't jealous of her I just wanted to be shown attention like her. But God had his plan. I have been reading this book by John Edwards and in this book he has this theory that before we are born we pick our parents. We pick where on earth we are born and we pick or heritage. When I read that I though to myself why would I pick my parents? They both were irresponsible, as far as I'm concerned they both didn't love me enough to keep me or fight to keep me. They were all too happy to pass me along to someone else to clean up their mistake. But then as I meditated about that further it began to make more and more sense. My grandma has told me multiple times that she always wanted to have a little girl. God never let her carry one. She had four pregnancies, all boys. The last time she was pregnant she had twins, unfortunately they died before they got out of the hospital. Sabina, my grandma, wanted a little girl so bad that she adopted one way before I came along. Lets just say that it didn't go well. Yanira ran away from home when she was 14 because she was pregnant. Needless to say that my mom tried to make things happen but God has his own plans. She kept on praying to God that one day she would have a girl of her own. The year she turned 39 I came in to existence. Her dream was fulfilled, and most definitely not the way she thought was going to happen. So I was thinking that God's plan was never to have Manuel and Sonia to be my parents it was to have Sabina be my mom. I can imagine now having a conversation with God :
Me: God, so your telling me that my biological mom Sonia and my biological dad Manuel will not raise me?
God: Yes, but I have the best mom in the world for you, Sabina. She has been praying for you for more than 20 years. She will be your best friend, your confidant, she will be strong for you are weak. I will make her go through a lot of trials and tribulations but she will be there for you when you get shot. I will make her strong so that your can carry out my plan for your life.
Me: Yes, God. Give me strength to be able to endure rejection from my parents. Give me enlightenment so I can one day understand all of this. Thank you God because your ways are better than my ways.
So as I now understand that God never meant me to have two parents that didn't care about me, he always meant for me to be Sabina's daughter. She is the best mom in the world. She is funny and affectionate and tough when she needs to be. She is amazing and I only have God to thank for that. I believe in God's divine plan...
Xiomara
